Texas greetings my brothers.
For some of us this is a sad time of the year.
Although we hear songs telling us it's the most happiest time of the year.
As for me, a brother here whom has shared his eloquent words & "vast amounts of wisdom." with his fellow brothers.
I was down & out these past 2 weeks. Yep, that Irishmoose whom offers his brothers his compassion, understanding, love & HOPE.
And they offer me theirs in return.
I had lost it.
I was a lost boy/man, a lonely boy/man. A boy/man who had lost all hope & confidence in himself.
I was in deep depression from things done & said to him by his "mom" 70 years ago.
A person who has been dead for years. But, still has power & control over me even though i wasn't wanted or cared for by her.
Today, i had my six month checkup physical appointment at the Veterans Affairs Medical Center. Something that was supposed to be just a routine visit.
Before you get to see the doctor you are seen by her staff nurse whom checks your vitals. Now she has my medical history on her computer & there for her to see that i was a patient at their metal health ward for my own protection because i had lost all hope in overcoming things from my youth and had thoughts of harming myself plus i was seeing a mental health doctor on a 12 week PTSD group sessions.
I was/am still in that sort of lost hope mentality. She had seen it in my eyes & my face. OK, Pete have you been in depression or had thoughts of hopelessness or harming yourself in these past six months? Yes, ma'am i have been in it for these past few weeks. Do you want mental health help?
After a long pause this macho boy/man said yes. OK, Pete talk to the doctor about it & we will give the help that you deserve.
My doctor also knows my story as it's in her computer also.
She gives me my routine exam, explains my lab results that were within physical bounds for a seventy four old boy/man.
She had also seen in my eyes & face that something was definately wrong and she had a very good idea of why. OK, Pete do you want to start taking medications to help you with your depression? Another long pause from this boy/man. Thinking to himself time to admit that as much as we thought we could handle it without any kind of chemical help, that i could do it on my own free will, just like i did for my alcholism.
But, that boys bigger self had to admit defeat.
Especially now all alone, completely alone, no other human being in his presence next to him. Now he's alone in his thoughts nothing there to distract him from them. No matter how much he looks around his apartment walls and sees all the positive things he has accomplished in his life.
He has yet to convince himself. It is an everyday battle with me in believeing in myself that i was a good boy, that i was worthy of love & caring that somehow i must haave had a serious flaw in me, perhaps it was because i was born a gay boy?
So after i had finnished with her she told me that wait here & the nurse will take you over to the mental & behavorial office.
She stayed with me, trying to cheer me up, give me HOPE if you will. Those persons in that office told me you are going to get the help that you need, rest assured & set me up with an appointment to see a T. Which i have. And now chemical help in getting through those dark & gloomy days.
A new RAY of HOPE.
But, as i try & deal with my emotional & mental feelings about hating & fearing ALL females, thanks to my "mom."
Something that i had some positive emotional & mental feelings for at a very short period in my recent recovery.
Here i am in a Veterans Affairs Medical Center where for the past eighteen years I have recieved excellent care both in physical & mental health, it's been from females, every nurse that i have delt with are female. My primary care provider (doctor) for the past five years is a female. All those others be it in office positions were 99% female.
Ninety-nine percent of the personnel at the mental health ward that i spent time in. Locked up and placed in their care were females.
All their care, love & hope came from those "females" whom he had feared & hated for all of his adult life.
All because of the hate, pain, shame & guilt that was drilled into a young boys heart, mind, body & soul, by ONE person, his "mom" he would condemn "All females."
Completely forgetting about ten females whom as that young abused boy had tried to show him love, caring & protection.
Today a few caring females whom took their time to listen to a boy/man, his hurts, his pains, his guilt & shame from things from his youth, things that he had buried for most of his life and is now trying to come to terms with.
Those "females" had once again offered him a ray of HOPE, love, compassion & understanding.
Another chance to bring that boy to become the man that he is supposed to be, as ONE. When that happens i will no longer use the term boy/man & it will mean that we finally will receive for the rest of our life as ONE the peace & serenity that not only i deserve, but my brothers as well in this forum called
"Survivors of Female Abuse."
HOPE, my brothers something that i try and offer to others & something that they in return have offered to me.
Something that i had lost & almost gave up on.
A ray of HOPE from caring & loving females for a lost boy/man.
It's now time for my first dose of chemical HOPE.
If this does not seem to make any sense, don't worry as i'm still overhwelmed about it all.
I HOPE that some day my brothers here will recieve the peace & serenity in heart, mind, body & soul in overcoming the effects of female abuse, there is after all always HOPE.
"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.