TRIGGER WARNING

I apologize in advance for the following. I've tried to use as neutral language as possible, but some of it still graphic. Since it's about something I got over and ceased doing LONG ago, my sole purpose in posting about it is so that, if other guys here are in a similar situation, they can see that "getting over it" and finding healthy ways to fulfill various needs is indeed possible.

I hate to admit it but my abuse, and the things in childhood that led up to it, caused me to have an actual underwear fetish for several years (long ago.) There's a back story here.

As a kid (even before the abuse,) I was lonely, isolated and afraid to leave my bedroom for various reasons. The other boys I knew went to the beach, had girlfriends, were in good shape and had good tans from being outside and playing sports. I envied them, was extremely jealous, and was angry that I could not experience these things. Even before I was sexually abused by a neighborhood boy, I was very deeply scarred, both sexually and vis--vis my self esteem, by friends of my parents.

I grew up in a beach town. The guys I envied (surfers, who invariably seemed to be in great shape) would stand in the back of their pickup trucks when they were finished surfing, wrap a towel around their waists, slip off their trunks and change into dry clothes. For some reason, some of them would leave their underwear lying on the grass next to where they had parked.

I won't go into details (I think all fetishes involve sexuality that's gotten twisted beyond recognition) but I collected and used these in various ways, all unhealthy.

What I discovered is this. First, I was obviously looking for gratification that was as shameful as what I thought I deserved. After all, I was "taught" that sex was the most disgusting, filthy and shameful thing ever. Second, collecting and sexualizing these was a way for me to "connect," however fleetingly, with the surfers who I idolized and longed to be like. For a brief moment (no pun intended,) I was one of them. I was also mimicking my perp in a way, since he was a handsome surfer. Then back to the shame.

Third, I was reinforcing my abysmal self-esteem in a really sick way. Without going into detail, I was in effect comparing myself physically (and sexually) with them.

Finally, I was also acting out a great deal of anger in a really unhealthy way. Without going into detail about the condition they were in when I was finished with them, I used to think, "There! Was THAT good enough for you?" I was, um, defiling something that intimately belonged to another guy in the same way that I was defiled by my perp.

Once I got these things sorted out (actually not that long after the compulsion began,) the need to do this left me and never came back. It's been gone for many, many years, and I don't expect it to ever return.

I guess my point is, if you're facing some sort of compulsive behavior, don't just engage in it. Try to break it down and find what it is that you're REALLY looking for. There's a reason for it, and more than likely it's a good reason that's just being fulfilled in an unhealthy way. I was able to break this compulsion without a T, and if I can, so can others.


Edited by gettingstronger (10/31/13 08:09 PM)