Hi Peter. Thank you for your heart-felt and powerful post. A lot of it genuinely spoke to me and my own feelings or non-feelings towards females. I only thank God I never married one but I suspect that if I had been born when you were, I would have. I know things were different back then and getting married was more or less just expected of people, or at least much more than it is these days. I wonder, had you been born in 1975, when I was, if you wouldn't have just chosen to remain single as I have and always will.
I have to ask, was the anger and belittlement your wife spewed at you for the iron incident something that was normal for her? Did she behave that way towards you in the early days of your marriage, or perhaps even before you tied the knot with her? I ask because I know that people are often ironically drawn to those that have the traits and qualities of their abusers. Not because they like to be abused or want to be abused but because it's all they know. Because the abuser set up in them an expectation of how they are to be treated, so they fall into a pattern of finding others who will treat them that way.
Like others have said, I hope you will eventually find a place in your heart and mind where you can let go of some of the guilt you feel over the way things turned out with your wife and over the place she is in her life now. A failed adult relationship of any kind is never 100% the fault of one party in the relationship. At least not in our modern, western culture, where both man and woman have equal rights to terminate the relationship at will if and when they see fit to do so. After all, you married this woman in Germany, not Saudi Arabia, and in the 1900's, not the 1400's.
I hope at some point you will be able to release the guilt you feel over the failings in the relationship that aren't your fault and forgive yourself for the failings in the relationship that are. You owe that to yourself, even the self-forgiveness part. You can not change the past but hopefully, you can be at peace with it eventually. Good luck finding that peace. I think you certainly deserve it at this point. Peace,