hey guys T gave me something to do for this week he told me to I should let my wife ask a question... any thing she wanted and I should answer.:( honestly. So the question she asked was " why cant you trust me with it" It being everything that I don't talk much about. I do want to tell her something but I had no idea what to say really. I wrote this this morning.
It is an amazing thing, as many things are that I can remember the things that you do but for me it feels so different. You ask me “why can’t I trust you with it?” Why…? Why would I not let you lift the piano? Why would I not let you put your hand in a flame? To me the question is senseless. Would I trust you to handle a rattlesnake? Would I trust you to drink poison? HELL NO! This to me is not about trust, though I know there is a part that hides it for shames’ sake. After all, the person you have known for 27 years doesn’t exist. He is an amalgam of hopes and desires desperately longing for things to be different, hoping to find a genuine self somewhere beneath this shit pile you can’t know this me, whoever he is because I don’t know him myself… never have.
Is it possible after all this time that you don’t know? My JOB is to love you; my job is to provide, to keep you safe. I could no more hurt you than I could lasso the moon and yet you want me to somehow share? To allow this slow death that has caused me nothing but pain to become a part of you … I admit I cannot. If it should destroy us, if I caused your wound, then how could I continue? I have told you many times that you saved my life you have NO idea how true that is. Before I met you I had NOTHING… I was nothing, nothing but the prospect of loneliness and grief wanting desperately for life to be finished. YOU taught me how to live, how to at least manage and yes I have constructed a lot to BE what I thought I was supposed to be I don’t even know what the reality is honestly. You have been Life, joy, and relationship, how can I risk that?
I don’t know if this is the answer, but I think… it is the best I can offer
so what do you all think? any thing I should add? I am really scared to give it to her any help would be appreciated.
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"