I took some time today to write out a few facts related to my recovery. I will get more into why I did so in a minute.
Here's what I wrote and how I wrote it:
Total Number of Long Term Therapeutic Relationships: 7
Total Number of Short Term/Emergency Therapies: 3
First Time in Therapy: 26 years ago.
Most Recent Time in Therapy: 4 years ago.
Longest Continuous Time in Therapy: 7 years.
Total Number of Hospitalizations: 2
Longest Period of Time Hospitalized: 6 weeks.
Suicides by known co-victims of one of my abusers: 3
Number of severe/long-term/violent abusers: 3
Number of those I've never discussed with anyone: 1
First time I stopped hinting to myself, rationalizing, and hedging about that last abuser and just admitted to myself what I've always more or less known actually went on: a couple of weeks ago.
Number of years I've looked at this site without joining: 8
Problem I want this list to help me with: denial.
Lately, PTSD is kicking my ass, again, so I'm re-starting therapy.
In the past, I've always viewed re-starting therapy as a failure. What I want to do with this list, to fight that view, is first and foremost, to teach myself the truth about my own life.
Second, I want to start viewing these multiple attempts at therapy as something positive. I don't know what yet exactly, but something positive.
I don't want to be a liar: I have high hopes of viewing things positively, of being positive, and of pushing through this denial but I could use some help. Chat on this site has been an incredibly helpful experience and is what's prompted me to do this post.
If anyone has any similar experiences of denial, or strategies or ideas for fighting it, I'd appreciate hearing from you. I never throught I'd join this site and once I did, I never thought I'd post. Here's to being wrong about the right things.
I always tried one thing:
To make what happened to me not matter at all.
Turns out, it was supposed to matter.