Occasionally I wonder if I am only thinking about the abuse or whatever feature of it because at that precise instant the perpetrator (who is still alive) is thinking about it too. This feeling used to be much more common, but while faded it is not entirely gone. And me a former science teacher.
It isn't rational, but it's real, and just a part of what the survivor must deal with.
I'm terribly sorry you have to deal with it at all, but for your own sake it is for the best that you're doing so.
Welcome.... and, feel better. Hopefully soon.
"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny