Three years after his disclosure (then denial that his abuse was abuse), three+ years full of his rage, then therapy and dancing around it, after years of his failed businesses, his inappropriate behavior with other women, his occasional cruising online, little intimacy...years of me retaliating, sometimes with similar behavior...I had a talk with H last night.
Today he called the director of the DV center where I attend therapy (and where our MC had been). I don't know what he said, and I don't care. I just know he called to set up therapy for himself, as the primary, not secondary, victim. (I'm also a CSA survivor.)
I want to cry. I also don't want this to be another thwarted attempt. It took one of his employees at work disclosing and his agreement with her to seek help, not him wanting to strengthen our marriage. Why am I mad instead of elated that he wants to begin to heal?
I feel badly for being honest with him last night, too. I told him I'm done changing myself to fit his unspoken wants and needs, that I'm done revolving my life around waiting for him to heal, I'm done waiting in general. I told him how hurt I am that he refuses to communicate enough for me to make a basic schedule, that I'm exhausted from emotionally carrying this marriage and that I feel he hides behind my strength and progress. I told him I'm done with his inappropriate flirting with subordinates, tired of always being broke yet not being able to rely on him to be here with the kids when he's off work so I can also work. I pointed out the progress in him not having raged since March, but that I also saw that that's when he closed off emotionally again, too. I told him I don't have a plan to leave if he refuses to take action, but I won't guarantee that I'll stay, either. I cannot be with someone who isn't committed to healing and who hides behind me while also blaming me for his own shame. That's not mine to carry.
I told him how I'm frustrated and disappointed with myself for having become so codependent, for catering to those unspoken needs, for assuming anything, for allowing myself to become so exhausted and emotionally numb, for contemplating leaving because he refuses to follow through with therapy, and for expecting him to be able to be present in this marriage. Above all, I'm disappointed in myself for putting him first before getting myself.
At this point, we're roommates and I'm heartbroken. I'm so angry at myself for expecting anything remotely close to a 'normal' marriage from him.
Conversely, I've begun writing again, begun producing art again, am on top of the kids' school stuff (I birthed two achievers and a disabled kid), and am making the effort to get out and play innocently myself. I talk to my few close friends regularly, and my confidence in all other areas has grown. I see how to get back to school, too. Finishing my degree has been a goal for years.
Thanks for reading.
He's making the effort again, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and actually announced my detachment to him. I've improved in pretty much all other areas of life and have confidence now.
Edited first paragraph to add honesty and clarify whose actions are whose.
Edited by Airmid (10/08/13 04:05 PM)