Hey, nowhere2go.

Your story about being instilled with a self-hatred is something I identify with. It has taken a lot of time, patience, and grueling steps in and out of my own darkness, but I do feel a lot less of it now.

There were years that I thought that nothing short of sex change would help me be a man. These were fleeting thoughts and feelings that I didn't pay much mind to, but now I realize what had let up to them and what had slowly, over time, instilled this in my heart and mind. Inside it all was my own kind of fear that I wasn't paying attention to.

It's been an ongoing battle talking to my family and trying to have good communication with my kids' mom. There are moments when I could go either way: replace my male feelings with the safer and more familiar female opinion which I was quietly asked to uphold, or remind myself of what a man feels, since I am one. Each time I give myself the space to do that, it's like some new soil is watered and the roots of who I am are nourished. It ain't easy by any means, dealing with all this confusion. But staying grounded in this reality is possible, and can provide some stability and perspective to begin the healing process.

I understand the difficulty of getting others to understand. My mother recently described to me her own sexual abuse. Now I can see how her blinders were formed.

In the end, however, it is up to myself to enjoy who I am and thrive in it. This has been a good place to explore what it means to me as I hear the same from others.

Hope you can keep up trying. It's worth the struggle.

FB
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Lose the drama; life is a poem.