Feelings and emotions are complicated. I had been numb for years--feeling isolated and pushed to live the life of the abused over and over. Time lost to where I will never know nor what happened during those times. A time of confusion and loss to me, a time the abuser unknown to me controlled, a time those around me, they lost themselves, pushed the unknown upon me.
But today I feel, I feel touch and emotions, I feel happiness, I feel a sense of freedom, but it is approached with apprehensiveness that the past once again may take control if I allow others to inflict memories of the past on me. But there is a sense of strength I have never felt, a strong sense of unconditional support, a sense of peace even if people know my past, a sense those that triggered the past can no longer control the past because I am living in the present and the abuser does not control. A sense of those who know of my past and chose to dismiss is their loss, their own sense of fear and hypocrisy of denial and pretension, but that is their life and not mine.
I learned much on this journey--people to trust and respect, to seek support and help and no longer to hold myself in despair because of the past abuse which was not my fault but to other it was my fault because it became part of me.
Yesterday I had my haircut, for the first time in many years I could feel her hands rubbing my scalp and the sensation of the comb running through my scalp. Why, could I feel something so common to everyone? I have my own sense of why, people who have given me support to be me and not to live the life of the abused and to special people who gave me love and touch, and allowed me to be the man who I was meant to be. There as many and a special person who gave her time, touch, silence (and yes this is so important as I tried to tell my story) and heart during this tumultuous journey.
So remember survivors need all these wonderful people to heal and we should be thankful for them. We also need to remember those who shunned, ignored or disparaged us on this journey, they need help and seek the help they need to heal.
But in the end we need to realize, we need to accept the past and only we can live the life we deserve. It is not an easy journey but in the end we do not want the abuser to control our lives.
Today I as talking to someone whose life was inflicted with a non curable illness that will control their life until their end and he said it may control him physically but will not take away from who he has been and will be. I could not tell my story but I realized I have an emotional, psychological, mental challenges from the past abuse that can be healed (but never cured and sadly never forgotten) if I accept me and the past. So hopefully today and with the support I have received from so many I will continually accept me for the person who I am.