I don't really know where to begin. Tonight I had something like a moment of clarity. I didn't just get a flash back or recover a memory. Rather I found some perspective.
When I was about 6 years old I had a sexual relationship with my teen aged babysitter. I haven't told but a few people in my life since then. I'm 38 now.
Until today I thought the experience positive. That seems crazy but I do remember enjoying what happened. I never forgot what happened and even though I never talked about what happened it was always very close to the surface.
I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, mostly I suffer from mixed states and depression. I don't have major manic states but I do get major depression. And at times I do become suicidal or at least have suicidal thoughts. I am in treatment.
Today I had the realization that what happened to me not only wasn't positive but has had lasting damage to my life. Without going in to details that I'm sure no one wants to hear. I noticed that what happened in someways is still happening. Also I found that in truth I feel both deep shame and guilt over it.
As an adult my sexuality mirrors what happened to me as a child. I pick women who are in someway like my,I'm not yet comfortable with the word abuser but that is the truth. Except for the things my partner wants to do I'm stuck on only what sorts things that I did with my babysitter. Not deviant so much as limited I just don't enjoy sex beyond those things.
Also I don't have an easy time finding partners. Its not that women aren't interested. Its that I either make myself blind to overtures or make excuses for why it won't work. Women need to more or less push them selves on to me.. again very much in the model of what happened.
I seem to be stuck in what happened. It seems I'm hell bent on either being alone and miserable or replaying my abuse. There is an obvious pattern and its clearly damaging my life. I have other problems advancing my life as well. I seem to get stuck.
Maybe in ways I'm still that boy worshiping and seeking I don't know what from a woman I haven't seen in more than 30 years. I don't hate her, I don't want her punished. But I do need to get past this...
I suppose what I want to know is if other people have this same experience. I'm a 38year old man and when the realization hit me today I was crying. I haven't processed it yet and I'm busy using words to bury what happened again. It seems I can't really even process the reality of it. So I'm attempting to bury it.
I don't even know if other people have the same problem coping. I'm a mess. There is a lot more to say as well but ill leave it at this for now.
I suppose I need help to understand this.