Hello On The Fringe,
Welcome! It takes an enormous amount of bravery to disclose this to strangers, especially other men, so congrats on your ability to do so. That's a giant step. After hiding this for over forty years myself (including from my wife of nineteen years,) I finally disclosed it to my wife and pastors about six weeks ago. Now I can start to deal with it and finally get the healing process going. Believe me, I have an idea what you are going through.
From the time it happened until just a few weeks ago, I also struggled with the notion that since I physically responded to it, I must have wanted it. More than any other issue, this one lie has kept me from dealing with it for all these years.
I'm glad to see that you are also starting to absorb the fact that there's no relationship whatsoever between responding physically and actually wanting it to have happened. This lie could be one of the most damaging of all since it places the blame, guilt and shame where it absolutely does NOT belong: On us.
I look forward to seeing you put an end to these demons and move forward in a healthy, positive way. Thanks again for sharing your post, congrats again on your bravery, and post as you see fit.
If you have to rebuild yourself from the ground up, you get to do it the right way this time. And YOU'RE the builder.