Up until now, I think I have been clear about the different things that happened when I was a child. But recently, my symptoms of dissociation and problems breathing deeply have led me to believe that there are sections of my childhood that are missing from consciousness. I donít think there is some particular incident that I might be repressing, or a particular horrible event. What seems to be more accurate is that I formed an entire part of my personality around being dissociated with my brother.
What comes to mind is that his reaction to being sexually abused led me to cover up a lot of my own sexuality. I became useful to him only in so far as he could make sense of what happened to him in how he touched me. In the midst of calling up this incomplete part of myself, I also sense the presence of his abuser. It is an odd feeling, but real nonetheless. Itís like a missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle.
It is scary to walk around with this. It feels like a huge spectre enveloping my head and making me distort my body. This blank part of me has effected my interactions with others, especially my intimate ones. I feel like intimacy has another agenda all the time that has to do with allowing some kind of shame to be felt. Meanwhile there is a blind spot that it seems I just canít find.
Iím not sure if this is something that others experience, but would appreciate any insight or perspective.
Lose the drama; life is a poem.