Now time will tell how ingrained this state is within. I like everyone here knows there are ups and downs. But I have learned much about myself and people on this journey.
As for myself, I held guilt and shame and felt responsible for what happened to me. It took years for me to accept it was not my fault and I was not responsible. I was a child and believed what he told me. I wanted to please, not see anyone hurt nor to be taken away from my parents. He made me believe I was special and what was being done to me was love. Well everyone remember and believe you were a child and he/she was responsible for your pain and hurt. You were a child and the perp manipulated you emotionally and psychologically. I was so slow to accept and it held me back.
Learn and believe you are good and valuable, because everyone has value despite how the perp left us to feel. Believe and love yourself and the child within can heal and become one.
The abuse impacted each of us differently and how we tried to handle the pain, to cope so we could live. Some medicated with various addictions, others acted out to recreate the abuse, others retreated and became reclusive, some escaped through dissociation, and so many other ways. But we survived and only each of us can allow ourselves to heal. We need to support each other and honor those that did not survive by taking our lives back.
People around us are important. If they do not want us to heal or create an environment that reminds us of the abuse, be it words, actions or acts, then we will not heal. Leave and find a safe environment because many of us loath ourselves and this type of environment will only create more darkness and allow the abuse and the abuser to control us. I have learned there are many wonderful and supportive people in this world. All are not bad like our abuser.
So many told me what I needed to do but I could not accept, years of conditioning controlled me. Somewhere along the way through the supp9rt and love of others I began to accept and love myself. Exactly when and why I do not know. But believe the power of love and support played a major role in my acceptance of myself. This love and support cannot be measured. We have that support and love here at MS. I needed to accept people around me did not want me to heal. People have told me what their reasons may have been-fear of the abuse, fear of accepting they have not been there for me, fear of facing their own issues, fear of their own past,need to manipulate the abuse and my behaviors to secure love amongst themselves, fear of accepting what was done reawakened the abuse or some other reason. I cannot answer why their reasons but for me I needed to accept these people were not there for me to heal.
Acceptance and awareness of ourselves and those around us are needed for us to heal. I know I have more healing to do. Success is incremental, one step at a time.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I am happy to have found MS because the support is immeasurable.