OK. In the big picture of other things that happened to me, this should be minor.
I was watching a movie on tv the other day and this guy was wearing white briefs ("whitey tighties"), not the super short french cut kind, not boxer briefs, but just what we called normal underwear in the 70's and 80's. The kind I wore growing up.
Well, in this movie (which was not really about sex, and this was a just about 2 seconds in the move), the guy is getting dressed, and what shocked me is that through his underwear, hte same kind I wore, you can make out the shape/size/position of EVERYTHING. I mean, you don't see any skin, but you can make out his penis very clearly and his scrotum, too.
In the move, it wasn't obscene, but it shocked me. I always thought I was pretty well covered. Now I realise when Mom was watching me dress, the fact that I already had underwear on really didn't make that much difference. She could see plenty. I don'T know how I could have missed that. I mean it was MY body and MY underwear, you think I'd know what was visible. (maybe I did and was just kidding myself?) I've struggled with how she watched me for a long time now, but somehow I feel more vulnerable than ever. She's dead now, so it should matter even less, but I just wish I had realised what she could see. I've already decided she wasn't looking at me the way a Mom should, but this makes it even worse. I'm embarrassed just thinking about it...why wasn'T she?
I'm just wondering, I guess, if anyone else has come to the same realisation too late.
When i was a senior in high school I asked for boxer shorts for Christmas, which is really weird because I could have bought them for myself. I remember after I put them on, she came to my bedroom door to look in at how how they looked. I felt like I couldn't complain because they covered even more than what I normally wore and what she had seen me in but it did seem odd that she would want to see hwo they fit. I'm uncomfortable with how I must have been posing for her somehow. Still, the main thing right now is just getting over how exposed I was without knowing it. Any similar experiences?
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"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy