I got a flat tire, and i dont think i have a spare. My mom stopped by today as well, and dropped off a letter to me that says I have to report to the social security offices tommorow at 3. I talked to her, i told her some things about how what happened, she played dumb and innocent, just like i thought she would. She offered to pay for my therapy, i said she could if she wanted to, its 32 bucks a month. Its so frutrating, i dont know how to confront her. I am so angry inside at her but i have been stomping it down so hard i barely know its there. She kept lying, even when she was caught in her own lye, about the suppository. And it hurt, that she would pretend. She is hiding from what she has done in a way she isnt even aware of. I remember her voice on the phone, when i was angry with her, the tremer in and guilt in her voice when she stopped talking and just said fuck and hung up. Making me sound like im crazy, hearing my own doubt in my head, it is too much. And i still dont remember. I feel like some things happened, but i am so afraid and confused that i forget them, i wonder if they were even real. I remember things like having my tempature taking anally when i was old enough to due it orally, maybe more than once. I remember hazy things in bathrooms, i get confused as to which bathroom, where they were. But i think i feel something that is fuzzy, like a dream, and i remember my staring into a toilet bowl bent over, my head almost in the bowl, feeling more than thinking like something was being put inside me, like enemas, but it feels like a scream, not a memory. How am i supposed to reconcile this with what i see? Its so fucked up, i just want her to stop lying, or for me to be lying, for something to make sense, but i am living in a cloud of doubt and pain.
The flat is going to cost me a fortune as well, i will have to find a way to pay for all this crap. I dont know whether i should ask my mom to help pay for it, i dont know if i can stomach it. Is there usually a tire underneath the floor of the trunk? somebody told me this, but i dont know if my car has this. I dont know what to do, i dont know shit about cars. I have no idea how much this is going to cost, and i have almost no money to spend on this. I have therapy tommorrow too, and u have to get up early, which is going to be hard for me. I want my bike from her house too. Maybe exercise will make me feel a little better, i know that walk felt good. But i dont know if i want to talk to her.
i had to walk 3 or 4 miles home because i decided to leave the car at this tire place. The towtruck guy gave me a ride halfway home. Even if i do have a spare, i will still need a new tire to replace the old one. This is insane, why does everything all happen at once? I feel like destiny and fate are both throwing bricks at me. this wouldnt make me feel so bad if i didnt feel so damn fragile. I was thinking of maybe selling my car and buying a used truck that isnt going to break down on me, but id have to do it after schools out. Maybe i could find something with a warrenty at a dealer, i dont know. How much would a 96 chevy compact go for? Everythings crazy, i will have to figure this out tommorow. This had just made me flip out, i thought about running into traffic or joining a buhddist monestary, that is how fragile my mind is sometimes. I hope i get through this okay. thanks for listening.