I developed two lives and one where I was the good kid (with an edge) who got good grades and such and the other guy who acted out sexually in private in ways that kept the shame up, the secrets up and a place where I dumped a lot of real needs. My needs became things that I was ashamed of.
Same here! This is a good way of putting. Your story sound very similar to mine. I also had two lives. The sexual addiction added much shame. It's been several years now and I wish I knew about or faced my abuse issues earlier so I didn't have to struggle so much why I was messing around with guys when I thought I was straight. I also liked women very much. But let me tell you how my abuse happened. All my ssa experience and all my attraction was towards this strange curiosity that I developed over looking at and foundling another mans penis because this is how I was molested. And then it got to the point where I knew I didn't like men at all but still liked this object ( the penis ) or at least th curiosity of it that I started messing around with transsexuals. At least they, the more attractive ones that were more convincing, looked like women and I could still connect with my heterosexuality. But when looking back on all of my sexploitations of m being this is all I ever did. I never had sexual intercourse or had any kind of emotional connection. Just curiosity of that one organism. All linking back to my own sexual abuse.
I certainly kept the shame up, and kept the secrets by acting out ( re-enacting my abuse) like this. And I tried to get my needs met like this, and I shared a lt of intimate moments with prostitues and people totally unqualified to help me with my pain. I tried getting love this way but. Only got pain. I was messing around with a ton of girls at the same time, my mind became so obsessed with the addict ing feeling of what I was doing that I lost myself and lost a of friends and support from my family. I basically ruined my life and lost many years that thankfully I'm being able to recover now. I have to accept it first.
Well that's just a part of my story that I can relate to yours. Good luck on your journey!