there are several things that nearly make me feel nauseated. they are things that are so closely associated with the abusers in my past that they take me right back. they may seem innocuous to others - who are completely clueless of my aversion - but to me they have been bad news. i am no longer so seriously triggered - but they do still present a "bump in the road" - that i try to avoid.
this morning at the house where we are visiting i encountered one of them. i opened the fridge and was confronted by:
concord grape jelly.
it was the favorite flavor that the step-dad liked. it was what we always had in the house as i was growing up. i refused to eat it. i would take any kind but that. this morning i pushed it to the back and put other jars in front of it.
that reminded me of some other stuff:
right guard spray deodorant.
that was the brand that all the jock bullies had in their lockers in the gym. i can't stand the smell or sight of it.
munsingwear pouch front and jockey Y-fly briefs.
i don't know if they even make them any more - but those are the styles the step-dad wore. nuf said.
i know it is probly silly - after all these years - but i have always banned those things from my home. i feel like putting this out there - talking about it - they sort of lose some of their power over me.
are there things that do the same to you?
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago