I saw your post and could see your pain your words.
I can't really offer much as i am very new to all this myself, but wanted to reach out.
Consider that your wiring has been all crossed up, mine too.
Not the same but all messed up just as well.
A wise man once told me, we all want to be heard ... and acknowledged
We also need to be recognized.
It's not sympathy we seek here ... it's empathy.
So for what it's worth, I sense your confusion, your frustration because it is in me as well.
I cannot possibly know how you feel, I am barely aware of how I feel myself and am unsure even still about it.
I could however see the ingenuity of your mind trying to find a way to make your plight work for you.
This part truly amazes me, in myself as well.
Although our circumstances differ the burden we carry is the same.
....my past does not equal my future...
Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)