I think Jude has already touched on what I was going to say.
During adolescence, everybody seems to awkwardly fumble around the whole notion of sex--what constitutes sex, what kind of overtures are acceptable, what feelings are normal...etc. After what happened to me I was paradoxically afraid of the opposite sex. I was confused by the experience and confounded by what girls really wanted from me-if anything.
The virtuous creatures moved in great giggling packs casting imperious glances toward the boys at their feet. Amazingly so many of the boys played along with the ancient co-mingling of testosterone and estrogen. I just didn't get the whole game of trying to impress these girls. To be sure all of them weren't like that, but I couldn't see it at the time. Though the girls held the upper hand in early adolescence, I just couldn't see them as sexual beings. I certainly was sexual and I felt like a dirty interloper in their pristine world. Locker room talk aside, they were mysterious, alluring and scary to me. The whorish come hither looks never squared with the Madonna I discovered when I got closer.
What cleared things up for me was time and maturity---theirs and mine. In college I finally encountered girls (women?) who were confident enough sexually to take the lead to draw me in. It worked. Beautiful women could be confident, virtuous and all-out sexual beings. I needed and finally received that extra assurance that I wasn't the creepy perp making all the moves just to get sex. She was a willing 50/50 partner. The best news is that I've been married to one of these women for ten years. She's my rock in all of this.
Edited by Suwanee (08/09/13 07:51 AM)
You take a walk and you try to understand
Nothing can hurt you
Unless you want it to... R.E.M./Pylon "Crazy"
My Story: Cruel Summer