Texas greetings, my brothers-in-healing.
*****************Might be disturbing or triggering.*****************
Itís been a long time since Iíve come into the forums, but I do spend a lot of time in personal PMís.
I have entered a new phase not only in my life, but in healing that boy within me. As we know all too well itís a daunting task at best. But try I must, I owe him nothing less than to give it him my complete attention & love. Time is running out as his bigger part is almost 74 Ĺ years old.
I have moved from living in rural Texas (450+ souls) & Kansas (3,000+ souls) into a city of 66,000 souls. Or as I call it civilization. In Texas before I was a guest of a military friend whom when all this CSA stuff came back into my conscious mind while still living in Germany & needed to leave the loves of my life, my boys in order to devote all my time & resources to another boy, who was buried in his safe place for 69 Ĺ years.
My military friend who was one of the first to hear my cries of desperation, someone who I could tell my deepest secrets too & hopefully receive some compassion, understanding & hope. He & his disabled wife opened their hearts & home to me for my first year in healing in the USA.
Then, once again I had to move somewhere, to try and find someone just like me healing a lost boy from so many years ago. Sharing in our healing, compassion, understanding, love & hope for one another.
One of our brothers here in MS, opened his heart & home to me, a just out of the closet gay boy/man, along with his family, in Kansas. I would be with them for 2 Ĺ years or so.
Once again that young lost boy within me thought it was time to move into a new phase not only in life, but healing too.
Texas, here we come, forever into eternity. I had given it a lot of thought as it was time for me to try and find a gay partner, someone to share my love with, unconditionally, forever into eternity. Being extremely shy & an isolationist (loner) moving into a big city was full of anxiety & some fears. Too many people I was afraid as I possess no social skills, way to shy & I really donít know how to act (relate) to others. I was scared & I was as usual self doubting & second guessing myself. But, some of my brothers here, stayed with me in my first week, in civilization. They kept giving me there is hope Pete, donít be so hard on yourself, itís a pretty big step you have made & it will take time to get to feeling comfortable in your new phase in life & healing.
Another part of my reason for starting a new phase was I wanted & needed to be closer to the Veterans Administration Medical Facility where I have received the best medical care & mental care for these past 19 years off and on.
So, hereís the meat of this story, for a shy & non sociable guy for the most part.
Since Iíve been here a day does not go by that I have been publicly acknowledged for my service to my country. Iím always wearing some sort of military themed T-shirt or ball cap, yes itís definitely IN YOUR FACE type of a thing for this boy now a ďmanĒ who as a gay boy/adolescent had drilled into his heart, mind, body & soul by his ďmomĒ that you are worthless, useless & never will amount to anything, forget about not being wanted or accepted by her. Itís no wonder that ďherĒ boy of eight years old had always told ďherĒ that I wished that you were dead. So ďherĒ boy/adolescent/man would live most of his life believing in those words. Every day in these past four years in healing & therapy when I get out of bed, I have to look around my room, now apartment at those poster boards of my accomplishments, not only in raising my boys & grandsons. But all my military awards & accomplishments. Young Pete, especially has to prove to himself every waking day that the bitch was DEAD wrong. In these past four years you could count on two hands how many persons have given me that greeting and acknowledgement.
In the week or so that Iíve been here you can count into the twentyís. Whenever someone acknowledges my accomplishment in the service of my country, this boy/man will choke up & get teary eyed & I will tell them that from the depths of my heart & soul I appreciate their greetings. Hey! LOOK at ME, I DID AMOUNT TO SOMETHING.
Iím learning how to show emotions that I have stifled for 69 Ĺ years, like crying, the most basic of human emotions & feelings. As that young boy of so many years ago had made a solemn vow to himself ďBOYS DONíT CRY.Ē ďWE DONĒT SHOW WEAKNESS.Ē and thatís how we have tried to survive together. Until now.
Yesterday, I had to go to the VA medical center to update my new mailing address & to turn in my living will & wishes that wanted followed to the letter incase anything serious out of the ordinary happens to me. Medically.
I go up to the receptionist & she asks me what I needed. To update my address information Míam. Out of the blue & totally unexpected she asks me the question, were you a twin? Holy s**t I went into a tailspin, I donít ever recall anyone with the exception of the mental health people having that information. She had triggered me back to my twin sister, whom had shared our beginnings together inside of our ďmomísĒ womb. We were born two months premature & she had died at birth & if it wasnít for some dedicated doctors & nurses back in March of 1939 this unwanted boy wouldnít have survived either. But survive he did & he was constantly reminded that he was the wrong one that lived.
So after updating my information I had to check in with my medical team whom will always take care of this boy/man to turn in my papers on my living will. However, you have to be interviewed by a social worker in filling it out. So I sit down in the waiting area, Iím going deep into myself, thinking about my twin sister whom I had forgotten for over 73 years. You see, this boy had been taught to hate & fear all females by his mom. This boy/adolescent/man had lived with those emotions & feelings for all his life. It was a pretty easy thing for him to do as he was born gay & never ever had any feelings/emotions for girls & females. Never. But I always had tons of emotions for my boyhood friends (males), Ralph, the man that this boy had adopted & genuinely loved & cared for, to be his not only a father that he never had, but to fill the dual role of being my adopted parent ďmomĒ too. And on to Shannon and l bit later in my adolescents in the military & on to adulthood.
So, Iím sitting in a chair misty eyed & emotions ready to boil over, perhaps in real streams of tears. Fortunately another individual came over to where I was sitting & was seated next to me. He greeted me with a good morning. And that small kind action by him had brought me out from my innermost self in nanno seconds. We exchanged a few cordial words. Wow, whatís going on with me today? Emotional swings in a matter of minutes and Iím even learning about social skills too.
I get called by the social worker & taken back to her office & she goes over my wishes with me explaining each step. I mention to her that I have no family over here as my wife (separated) & son & grandsons live in Germany. She asked me who did I want to be notified that I have passed on? I told her my son, as my separated wife is 75 years old & almost totally blind. So I thought that was it. Then she asked me if Iíve been experiencing depression lately? Huh? What did that have to do with those papers?
OK, Pete, whatís been bothering you? Come on open up with me as Iím here to help you in anyway that I can. Well Míam itís a very long story it goes back 74 years. Iíve only been dealing with it emotionally & mentally for the past four+ years since a young lost boy who happens to be me came out from the depths of darkness & wanted to be loved & nurtured. He wants to heal. He wants to become one with me, forever into eternity. Have you had any kind of therapy in helping you along that journey? Oh, yes Míam, one part of it was given right here in your mental health clinic, a few years back. I had a few one on one T sessions with Dr, Pendleton and we were in a 12 week PTSD group session too, all about me being emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually abused boy by his ďmom.Ē And with an adult that, that boy had fell in genuine love with & always felt that he loved that boy in return too. We were together for six years off and on. I was between eight to fourteen years old. Including when in that orphanage/Home we boys had to leave the premises & safety for the last weekend of the month to whom ever wanted to put up with & care for us. Plus we had to leave that Catholic institution during the summer school period in Boston. Again to whomever wanted to put up with you & care for you during that time. I always went ďhomeĒ to ďmomĒ where I was fresh meat to her once again. As you most like have on the computer screen in front of you, you will see where I was locked up in your mental health facility in Waco for my own protection for a weekend until that had determined that I was no longer a threat to myself and with constant contact for a month to see how well I was doing. With a stern warning that whenever I feel Iím getting myself way too overwhelmed by all of this to get either on a phone or go to the emergency room & they will take care of me. We talked for over an hour after filling those papers out. I couldnít believe that I was sitting there in front of a female and telling her some of my story, my deepest secrets. Then I mentioned to her, that even after a session in challenging my thoughts, feelings & emotions about hating all females and really trying to rewire my emotions & feelings that Pete how about you donít trust all females by my T. I tried my best and actually started to have some feelings for two female friends whom were medically either living as a vegetable ( for the lack of a better word) and another whom is severely BI-Polar. But as I sit here in front of you I will tell you that I have absolutely none-zero emotions or feelings for the female that had shared her life with me for 40 years, as probably deep down in the depths of that boys soul all he as an adult had seen her as a living extension of his ďmom.Ē So, right now emotionally & mentally back into my safe mode in hating & fearing all females.
How could I still feel that way? As my primary care provider in that VA medical center is a female, not only a female, but a Vietnamese-American doctor whom has kept this old man alive, a person whom he has all the trust in the world in. Then down to the female Dr, who is the chief on mental health right here whom had listened to this depressed boy/man tell her his deepest secrets & she getting me into their mental health program to include a ground breaking sexual abuse PTSD program at that facility even though my sexual abuse had nothing to do with my military service. She told me, Pete your VA disability rating is enough that we have to completely care for everything that is both physically service connected & mentally wrong with you, yes, Peter, even back to that lost boy within you. Another female. Just about anything that has been medically wrong with me in these past four+ years was done by females. Pretty screwed up boy/man who right up to this minute still Is wired in his emotions & feelings hating & fearing all females. I owe my life to all you females here in the VA medical center & especially to those doctors & nurses whom cared for, watched over him at that mental facility lockup.
So, you see Iím still screwed up about it. Well, Pete, I want you to come back whenever you need someone to talk to & help you over those rough times. I mean it, Pete, donít hold it in & end up locked up again. Iím here for you, sincerely here for you, all you have to do is trust in me, as right now I care for & trust you.
Holy cow, what a day, full of hope & love from a female & others. Maybe civilization isnít so bad after all. Just ease up in your fears & anxieties of being all alone in a big city. Give young Pete & yourself a chance to grow in it. To find a partner to share in your life, unconditionally, forever into eternity. Patience, Peter, let it come naturally.
Things are slowly changing in my emotional & mental life in this past week, that young lost boy seems to be taking some of the leading from his bigger self. In ways that I have no control over. I have a bunch of DVDís & they are mostly about young boys whom were a lot like us, such as Stand By Me. Sleepers, Jet Boy, Martian Child, Empire of The Sun, The Boy In Striped Pajamas, August Rush, etc. All triggering in their own right even with a good feeling ending in some. To a few that have a parallel upbringing like I have had. Especially Stand By Me & my three boyhood friends & where I can see sort of gay feelings between Gordie & Chris, just like Shannon & I had, Then right down to the Sleepers, about growing up in a big city in your own area in your safe area with your friends and getting into trouble together, those scenes where they are jumping into the harbor in their drawers to escape the blistering heat of the city, playing stick ball, running through the spray from an open fire hydrant to help cool off those city kids. Down to where the Catholic church was a huge part of our upbringing, where we could seek refuge from the abuse that we were involved in, to pray to a Mother & Father whom we have never seen, but were taught that they loved & protected us. By a kind priest whom had known them loved & cared for them in a emotionally & mentally healthy way. The same went for this boy. As I was watching Sleepers in particular, Iím sitting there calm as could be, sure I was very emotionally into that movie. And all of a sudden a stream of uncontrollable tears began flowing from my left eye. I couldnít stop them. I wasnít shaking inside of myself, my nose wasnít dripping like it normally did whenever I was way too deep inside of myself, my ears werenít glowing in the dark. Something profound was going on within me. They flowed & flowed, rusty tears from 60+ years ago stored into the depths of that lost boyís heart, mind, body & soul. So profound even for the short time it was happening, Perhaps it was young Pete, telling his bigger self, itís about time that we let lose of that solemn vow that we made so long ago, that
ďBOYS DONíT CRY.Ē ďWE DONíT SHOW WEAKNESS.Ē
As most everyone who knows me and my emotions & feelings about letting them flow freely, let those stored up rusty tears flow, Pete, and they will be replaced with cleansing & healing ones. Yes young Pete,
ď BOYS DONíT CRY.Ē ďWE DONĒT SHOW WEAKNESS.Ē
But, Peter, ďREAL MEN DO.Ē Let them flow, that young boy who is you will show the way.
Yesterday, afternoon I went to the apartment complex laundry room to wash my clothes. Iím sitting outside on a stoop waiting for them to wash & then put them into the dryer. Iím sitting there with my, you guessed it Vietnam Veterans ball cap on. As a few other guys went to enter the wash room they greeted me how are you, Sir? Well this shy boy/man had to respond to them. One came over to me and stuck out his hand & introduced himself, Hi Iím so & so. Are you new here? Iíve been here for just over a year & itís a pretty nice place to live for the most part. My only problem is my upstairs neighbor, a young fellow whom seems to be using his living room for a gym & it sure makes an awful lot of noise when he is either walking or working out & is taking some heavy steps. Iíve been polite to him as I want to be a good neighbor as we all have to learn how to get along with each other. Well, Sir, I just moved in a bit over a week ago, Iíve lived in the wide open spaces in rural areas of Kansas & Texas & here I am in a big city of 66,000 souls & in an apartment complex to boot. I pointed out the building that I live in. Luckily Iím on the second floor. I have seen only two building neighbors and they seem pretty nice & considerate. But strangely I havenít ever seen a female in the area. Iím here all alone. He says to me, well Sir come over to the pool area there are a lot of females there that live here we all socialize together. Well, sir itís not for me you see Iím a gay man. What ever made me say that Iíll never know at that time. The only persons whom know that Iím gay are you all here in MS & those whom I was at those WoR.s with. And those in the VA medical service. I had never blurted or opened up to a stranger about who & what I am. But, I sure did it yesterday. He stayed and talked for a while & he asked me if it was rough being Gay in Vietnam, I told him no, as I had kept it hidden, buried in the depths of my heart & soul from the time I entered the military almost up to a few years ago. I had learned how to play the game in the military in order to survive my sexuality. I was never a threat to any one either then or now. Well the young gentleman again shook my hand & told me it was a pleasure speaking to me & weíll see each other around. WOW, what a week and few days in my new phase in life. Seems like my second guessing & self doubting of myself in my decision was without merit. That as everyone has told me, Pete, itís going to take time to learn how to fit in, as well itís going to take time for you to find a partner to spend the rest of your life with. Relax those fears & anxieties, and above all Pete, get it through that thickheaded Irish skull of yours, mostly the only thing you have to fear, is fear itself. Make it easy on yourself & young Pete.
So there it all is all this happening in a very short period of time & yet so profoundly healing.
Well, my brothers, as usual when this Irishmoose gets going heís long winded.
Perhaps thereís something here for you my brothers in dealing with ourselves. Sharing our fears & anxieties along with our hopes & dreams for our future on this long and arduous journey in healing to become as one with that lost boy, our inner child.
I wish you all well on this journey & I am honored to be in it with you all.
Heal well, my brothers, heal well.
ď I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness into the sunshine, forever into eternity.Ē As he is me.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.