Candu, thanks for pointing out the sanity in the storm. I have definitely idolized my husband in the past only to have the crashing (and almost unbearable) reality drive into my living room and mow me down. None of the stuff I believed was true. Instead I love a deeply wounded soul who cannot tell the difference between shame and discernment. It's a mess.

So, what to do? I am very clear that I have the choice to stay or to leave. Some days I think about leaving. Some days I just want to crawl under the covers and leave him to his first love, the television. Other days I realize how well he has treated me, even while he was stabbing me in the back with infidelity. On a rare day, I can even remember that it's called "acting out" (though the solace is cheap, for sure)

I'm kind of new here, but I've read it can get better. I'm starting to realize, though, that it can only get as good as he is willing to grow (if I am too). Is he willing? That is the million dollar question.
_________________________
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing