I'm not sure what is going on with me. I'm hoping that some of the other partners or survivors have maybe going through what I'm going through right now. I don't know exactly what happened but I'm seeing my husband different;y than I used to. I still love him but right now I don't like him.
I used to see him as this interesting deep creative person who was trapped inside all the fear and pain left by CSA and emotional neglect. He is very critical of me at times and in the past I would try not to take it personally but it would still hurt. Last night I pushed him to talk to me about why he is so upset with me. I really expected him to have rational reasons for feeling hurt. I thought maybe I did or said things that were mean without realizing it. Nope it was pretty much a bunch a petty stupid crap that was blown way out of proportion and a lot of it didn't even have to do with him. One example is that he didn't agree with the way I choose to heal my ankle after an injury. WTF. There are more but I'll spare you all from having to hear about it.
I found myself not feeling sad after but just feeling annoyed and thinking that he is the biggest baby in the whole world. He spins everything and looked for reasons that he is a victim. I'm really not feeling sad for him, I'm just feeling like he is an idiot. Maybe I'm just fed up with his crap right now I don't know. His need to be upset over ridiculous crap is really getting old. He's 27 and refuses to grow up and doesn't understand why he can't go play with his friends whenever he wants.
I know I shouldn't be mean to him and that telling him what a spoiled brat he is won't help. I'm starting to think that maybe he just isn't that interesting and deep after all. Maybe he is just a giant shallow puddle that wants to feel sorry for himself all the time.
It kind of feels nice to not care if I make him mad because I have realized that he is going to find something to be mad about no matter what. But I know it's not good to think your husband is a selfish moron.
I'm not saying I want to leave him or anything like that. I've just never felt like this before. I've never looked at him and thought "you're a spoiled brat" and wanted to just leave the room. It freaks me out a little. Is this normal for partners to go through times like this? Does it last a long time? I'm thinking I'm just going to take this time to work on my art projects because if I'm around him I think I might say something mean. Advice please!
_________________________
Everything comes from within