So it's been awhile since I have been on MS... at least over a year. Dealing with the csa at times becomes too much and I have to put it away, including anything related to it like this site...

My Mom passed away last september and I have been really struggling lately. I was very close to killing myself in May and ever since then I have been struggling big time.

Thankfully now I am back into therapy and I really like my new therapist, and the best part is it's free for me to see her.

I am learning that I have to look at the csa and the ptsd that comes with it as if it were like diabetes, etc. I use to think that the triggers/ptsd would go away and I'm 37, and its only gotten worse...

My Mom dying in the hospital was very traumatic for me and I'm struggling to move on. I thought the sexual abuse was the greatest pain i had ever endured but that doesn't compared to this heartbreak...

Plus on top of getting flashbacks/triggered of the month my Mom was in the hospital, I am getting flashbacks of the csa, and stuff with my father. So everything is hitting me all at once.

It's like the death of my Mother has opened Pandora's box. I'm just thankful to have found a therapist I like and can afford because I desperately need an outlet to release all this grief and pain... I really don't have too many people I can reach out to, especially in person. Often I feel like I did when no one knew about the abuse. I was dying inside and wanted so desperately to tell someone I was hurting... but couldn't...

I live with my sister and we clash big time because we grieve differently. I need to express my feelings, she bottles everything inside... So lately I have been hiding in the basement by myself...

I often wonder when will life get any easier, seems to just get more difficult...

Parts of me still feel like giving up but I try hard to not listen to those voices. I keep trucking along, very slowly... It's tough learning to adjust to living life without the most important person in life. The one person who showed you love and was always there for you.

I'm doing the best I can, though some don't see it that way. I keep on swimming...