I introduced myself to this site, made a few posts then freaked out. Then I tried to delete my account but couldn't and freaked out some more. Now, a few weeks later, I am back. Hello. *sheepish smile*
I recently, and rather awkwardly, split ways with my counselor and really need somewhere to vent my emotional troubles.
I was abused sexually from about the age 12+, but have recently been thinking about the state of neglect I was in before that. Being alone is the worst thing I can remember. No one was there, I experiment with psuedo-suicidal behavior without knowing what it really was. It hurt more than physical pain, and those are the scares the plague me now (as much as the things I did post abuse).
I was a very mean person for many years after my initial abuse. I think that this post abuse aggression justifies the abuse. It deems me worthy of that treatment. I was proven shit by the way I reacted. This argument is temporally problematic, but it is the argument I have internalized.
I was talking to a sociopathic friend of mine, and after(and during) that period of abuse I really morphed into something like his sociopathic state. At least I split myself up, and some one of me reflected sociopathy.
One of me is violent, he joined the infantry. One of me is weak and feeds of negative attention, he continually got raped . One of me is logical and just wants to work on math problems. One of me hates people and wants to be left alone. One of me is super excited and always wants to be around people. Some of these may be the same person. Maybe they all form different combinations to form different facets of me.
Basically I am in a high school like identity crises. It is related to abuse, but everything is. Since I recently had a falling out with my therapist, I need to replicate the positives of therapy somewhere. Maybe here will be that place. I need a place.
Maybe my problems are shallow. I worry they are. I worry they are affected. I don't know what is a mask and what is true. I need someone to rant at and offer what advice they have.
Edited by Cthulhu (12/31/13 12:08 AM)
“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”
-Charles Bukowski some context