One day in Therapy I was waxing prophetically about my feelings about my brother. How he was so wrong and so bad and so hated for what he "had done" to me. I hated JOHN too (the organist) I was in a full on tent revival espousing to my T the level of Hatred and how wrong they were and how innocent I was and how I was all so very TERRIBLE...when T stopped me and said, "What if ...."
"What if it was just two kids"
"What if it was just experimentation"
"What if it didn't mean that someone had to be 'at fault'?"
I scowled at the interruption, I railed at the absolute impertinence of it all....HOW COULD YOU SAY no one was to BLAME??
That would take away the importance of so many things......
I wanted to blame them so that I could justify how bad I felt for so long!!
I wanted to blame them so that I could explain away my shame at having been stupid enough to have been having gay sex!
Here I was, basically willingly sucking their cocks, and yes...gawd yes, taking showers, playing games, allowing him to run it up and down my crack, but then freaking out when it went in by accident!!
YES IT HURT. YES HE IS A SHIT. YES IT FUCKED UP MY CHILDHOOD.
But it happened forty fucking years ago...how long do I have to carry the fucking coffin?
I NEED NOT BURN MY LIFE IN EFFIGY TO PROTEST THE AWFUL TRUTH!
So on the way home I said it in the mirror to myself. "What if no one is at fault". I bawled and screamed in the car at how WRONG that really was...but you know what...when I let him off the hook, I GOT LET OFF THE HOOK.
I no longer had to be ashamed of all the crap that happened. I needed to just let it all go and quit blaming Pat, john, and lil Geoffrey for all of it.
I think big Geoff can fix it now. It takes some work, but I know I am strong enough, big enough, bold enough to walk back and pick up that poor fucked up kid and carry him forward. I will...and I will not drop him.
I came to the place where I deserved to enjoy my forties and beyond. Fuck the past, fuck the burning stake, fuck the hate....at long last I don't want to win, I just want to be happy.
Edited by bodyguard8367 (08/01/13 01:27 PM)