I want to start off by saying that I donít really know if what Iíve been through fits the definition of abuse, but I have looked for a long time to find a place where I can get some off this awfulness that I feel out of my head.
I am 34 and I was only ever sexually assaulted once, at age 13 by four boys my own age. The attack involved a broom handle and a tube of icy hot when I was at a basketball camp. Long before this however I went through a ton of simply physical assaults and mental torture at school.
By the middle of my 8th grade year I no longer used a locker, I carried all of my stuff in a very large duffle bag because people would slam my hands and fingers in my locker, also it was a way that I could avoid having a place that people knew where they could find me. I guess you would call what was happening to me bullying, but it seemed a lot worse than that to me. For the last couple of years there has been a large anti-bullying campaign going on the US, the thing is all the resources that the organizations provide seem to be for people going through it now, not years ago, and I havenít been able to find any place like this until just a couple of days ago. I apologize in advance because I know this post is going to be quite long, there is just so much I want to let out without the means to do so for a long time.
I was raised in a very religious Baptist household in the Appalachian Mountains, and for the longest part of my life was a devout Christian as well. The torment in school began because of my beliefs and moral outlook in about 4th grade. After the sexual assault I never tried to compete in any sports again. I had a hard time being a part of anything really, though I was in band for my junior and senior years. I would escape into books whenever I could, and faced ridicule at home, mostly from my father, because I spent so much time reading.
I know that I may not have gone through the kinds of abuse that most of you guys have, but I am wondering if some of what I feel might be similar? I have only ever had one girlfriend, and that was for about 2 months my freshman year of college. I have tried several times to get into the social scene, but honestly the rejection and humiliation I have experienced the few times I have tried is emotionally crushing. So here I am, a 34 year old virgin who is absolutely terrified of other people.
When I was 27 I finally had a complete breakdown and was hospitalized 3 times over the course of 6 months for a total of about 33 days. Since then I have been admitted to various facilities about 11 times, once after a suicide attempt. They first diagnosed me with major depression, then later bipolar disorder, one psychiatrist who had me go through ect (electro convulsive therapy) said that he thought I had ptsd, but he left the area shortly after to practice in another state. I donít have a lot of options where I live for help, though I see a therapist, I can only get in to see her about once every 2-3 months, there just arenít enough in the area to serve the population.
Sometimes I think I am beginning to get past some of the issues I have faced, then something will trigger some part of me and I just lose it. Sometimes I just begin crying uncontrollably, others I feel just waves of anger and guilt that I have no idea what to do with. I read enough and researched enough that I KNOW that there is nothing to feel guilty about, what happened was not my fault. BUT there is a difference between knowing something is true and having FEEL true. The biggest obstacle I am facing right now, besides dealing with the past, is the fact that I have no support system whatsoever. My family has basically abandoned me. When I first started getting help they were very supportive and wanted to be there for me. That didnít last very long, less than two years, mostly because I lost my belief in god. I am not going to go into thought process led me to that place, I donít think this is a forum for religious debate, just suffice it to say that so long as I have ďturned my back on godĒ they are not going to have anything to do with me.
There is a lot more I could say and go into greater detail about but this is too long as it is. I just really wish I had someone who at least wanted to understand what I have been through and the struggle I am currently going through trying to deal with it. Even if they could actually understand it, just knowing they caring enough to want to would be nice. I feel alone even when I am in a crowd, itís like there is an imaginary bubble that separates me from the rest of humanity that I just canít seem to pierce.
I donít want to be like this, I didnít ask for these things to happen but to them itís somehow my fault, and Iím tired of hurting.
Sorry for the overly long intro, I hope that I have not come to the wrong place to find answers, it is just that there doesnít seem to be a right place.