I guess this is more of a re-introduction than an introduction but I've not posted on the site properly in a while so thought it best to put something here. I got some help on here a few years back and now I'm thinking now it might be a the right time for me to hang around here some more. I've occasionally logged in and read posts over the years so haven't been completely out of the loop with things but have rarely felt able to contribute something myself for some reason.
A lot of the time I feel like a yo yo, bouncing between periods of manic positivity about having overcome the abuse, and deep despair and anguish that I am still controlled by it. I've become very good at hiding these emotions from the world so I can function with my job, friends, family etc, but the feelings of guilt and shame are always bubbling just below the surface. Don't know if anyone else can relate to this flip-flopping on perceptions of my recovery but sometimes it feels like you're going around in circles.
A few weeks ago during one of my manically positive episodes, I posted a full account of my experience on one of the forums here. I left it for a few days but immediately after I posted felt intense shame about what I had done. I felt that I had let too much of myself go on the page and after a couple of days I had to pull it down again. I guess I was ashamed not only of the story but of my pathetic attempts to put a positive spin on things and make it a happy story it so clearly wasn't.
So yeah, it's good to be back and I'm looking forward to making some new friends along the way.