hey bud
I think that IS what the abuse does to us, it causes us to have the opportunity to ruminate and to think of the acts that we otherwise would have no knowledge of. and during the abuse there may have been pleasure feelings of some sort( I don't know your story) or even just that hyper arousal that kind of intense feeling I call it being jazzed just so electric that happens if things are really good or really bad these are things that feed our feelings and thoughts. as we normalize these things the jazz tends to fade at least for a time this is why talking to the guys here, or T is so helpful it helps us to vent that emotion. I don't know if that is helpful man but just know you are not alone in this,
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville