I am trying my best to gather as much information on CSA as possible so that I can better understand my boyfriend and his sudden emotional withdrawal and severe depression. I am the only person that knows about his sexual abuse and it's been difficult for me because I am very close to his family and his brother who was the one who abused him. My boyfriend hasn't spoken to his brother about it and I feel as if he is killing himself slowly by keeping everything inside for the sake of not destroying his mother. I had at one time suggested that he simply write a letter about his feelings to his brother and offer him the option to talk and at first he was all for it, but now he wants nothing to do with bringing it up.

I am trying my best not to be selfish because I understand that he is unable to meet my emotional needs right now, however it's difficult because for the first year he was so emotionally available and everything I wanted and needed and now he is so withdrawn that I am scared and confused.

I am scared because I see how depressed he is, but he isn't willing to get help. I mentioned that it was unfair to continue our relationship with the goal of marriage and children if he wasn't going to seek treatment because we should not bring children into this relationship until we are healthy and he agreed and said he would get help when we were ready to have children. I understand how unrealistic that is because help is an ongoing process and his wounds cannot be fixed overnight and he may end up stalling forever.

I am confused because I have read a few postings on here with members suggesting that partners leave while they can. I admit I have considered it because of how difficult things can be, yet I would marry this man right now if it wasn't for the fact I would like to finish my education first and if I am willing to marry him I value our relationship just the same and will stay in sickness and in health. I also dont feel like its fair to turn my back on him, being the only person who knows what happened and just because he is depressed. I met him and fell in love with him as a male who was sexually abused and I loved him no less when he told me, so I want to continue being there for him and hoping that he gets help.

I also don't know how to approach some thoughts I have about his depression with him because I am afraid he will shut down even more. He's a contractor and he had prior obligations in our home state 1500 miles away so he is staying with his parents in his childhood home where I believe the abuse occurred. He wasn't suppose to be gone for longer than a month or so but he has been so depressed and unmotivated that he hasn't gotten as much work done as needed or made the necessary money worth the trip so he keeps taking on more work while there and isn't due back now until the end of August (3.5 months later). He is a different person when he is home here, but I can't make him motivate or get home sooner when he is in this funk. His mother has noticed how depressed he is, but she doesn't know why like I do. I can't tell her because I am afraid of what he would do to himself or how he would react, so I just wait and hold onto our daily talks, texts and "I love you's" and keep praying he doesn't shut me out completely.

I am sorry for the rant...I guess I feel like I want to protect him and I can't. I just need some advice and I need someone to talk to. If it's hard for me to know what happened and to have no one to talk to my heart breaks for him to know he has been alone for 22 years with these secrets.


Edited by PookieMarie (07/23/13 11:53 AM)