I'm at a sexaholics anonymous conference and am not doing well. Because I am a survivor of sexual abuse, I also belong to s-anon. S-anon is mostly wives of sexaholics, so I don't fit in easily. Talking about the sexual abuse is like exposing raw nerves for me. Talking about my sexual abuse issues in front of a group of women only aggravates my feelings of resentment and hostility.
With feelings of rage and resentment, I began to isolate myself from the guys at the sexaholics anonymous tracks. I wanted to throw chairs and knock tables over. Look what you guys did to me.
There was a ssa track. The conference leaders are trying to better serve those with ssa. The representative from the committee asked one simple question: What do you want addressed at the national level? So some guys began telling their life story. Others with ideas were cross talked with opposing opinions. There is no cross talk in meetings. Then some brother made a lewd joke. I felt like I was back in a divy gay bar. I left that meeting feeling frustrated, embarrassed and humiliated. The ac in the room was up so high that I was shaking from the cold. That is how I began the conference.
I just arrived from Europe, so the jet lag doesn't help. I'm six hours off. I keep waking up at 2:30am. I am drained by 6pm and don't want to talk to anyone.
Fortunately, I leave early this morning - Sunday. I am headed back to the Pacific Northwest. I'll be glad to get back to my daily routines.
I'm thinking of joining al-anon. Maybe I can find a male sponsor there to work csa issues with.
So there it is.