I am trying to be well. I honestly really am. I want to get better, I work in therapy.
But what is wrong with me? Why do I sabotage everything I have in my life that's good? Why do I want to be alone? Why do I feel so much comfort in suffering? Why does the thought of hurting bring me so much inner peace? Why do I wreck everything I touch?
I guess I know the answer is because I was abused, and now the blame lies with me, because I have made damn sure that my suffering will not end, that I am still out in dangerous situations, that I am still hurt.
Why am I doing this to myself, and if I know the answer, why don't I care? Why isn't it easy to stop wrecking everything. I want to stop all this and just be well, but I can't. And you know what, I am getting pretty pissed off about it. And I'm the only one who's left to be pissed off at.
Ben