Today is my wedding anniversary. My wife did not know about the CSA until our 12th year of marriage. I could not even allow myself to admit it.
But there will come a time when you man will realize the impact on your relationship. Will realize those coping mechanisms that made him survive can make him a lousy partner. And while I have been carrying so much guilt of others on these shoulders, how I have treated my wife is all mine. I have pushed her away time and time again. Out of self hate. It's when the boy who lacked parental love and then had that hole in his heart replaced with abuse realizes she is not going away - that I found love. My wife has define love and what family should be. She has put up with my crap, and we are talking about things like we never have before. Now that I can be honest with myself. I want nothing less than to be the man that she deserves - that is why I want recovery.
You are that for someone else, and while it is sure to be painful, there will be a time when it all becomes clearer, when the love you give sinks in. Keep fighting for that little boy who's wound you have had to share. Both of you are worth it.
"And yes, I have searched the rooms of the moon on cold summer nights.
And yes, I have refought those unfinished encounters. Still, they remain unfinished.
And yes, I have at times wished myself something different."
- Bob Kaufman, I Have Folded My Sorrows -