I don't know, I mean how can I know what to do, when I can't really even understand what stems from childhood sexual abuse and what stems from being viciously bullied in school, or from having alcoholic parents, ect. ect. What is the root of my problems, and even if I know the root, what the fuck am I supposed to do to get better? How do I recover, how do I function like the regular person in society. What do I have to do to make my social phobia go away, how can I learn to trust people? How do I stop myself from pushing people away out of fear. I talk and I talk and I talk, but how do I know for myself if I'm getting any better? I don't know what to do, but I want to start doing SOMETHING. I need to start living, but how can I do that when going outside terrifies me. It makes no sense how I can want something so bad, but I'm too terrified to even go after it, or even to have it. Like friendship, love, purpose. I'm sick of it. I'm beginning to wonder if even the psychs know what to do. All I ever do is talk. Talk talk talk talk talk and fucking talk, 4 years worth of talking and I still never have enough time in an hour to talk. And it feels like it's getting me nowhere. I'm losing hope, I need something to hope for, and not just waiting to feel better as if something as simple as "time heals all wounds". How do I heal from the experiances of childhood sexual abuse? What am I supposed to do? What will make my dreams go away, the flashbacks stop, and all the other shit go too. So I can be comfortable with myself, so I can be any sort of stable. So I don't fear every next move. I want to live life not hide in fear. I feel crippled, and it's embarassing, I'm inable to do simple things, and all I have to explain to people is something that sounds like complete ludacris to them. How can they understand that I just can't do certain things, when outwardly I appear perfectly healthy. It's like an invisible illness, nobody believes me, they just think I'm lazy, or making shit up to get out of doing things. Or when I keep backing out of plans with friends cause even I don't really know why. It's like a wall of fear I can't quite describe. I can't stand it. It makes me feel so horrible.
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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein