Thank you Geoff,
I appreciate your sentiment, and I agree with you - my best chances at love are to come to a place of unconditional love / compassion for others. Which I'm working very hard at (and getting pretty good at!).
I've been in therapy almost 20 years and that has given me a ton of self awareness. Since starting to address CSA recovery stuff 2.5 years ago, a ton of new self awareness (profound!!) has been given to me.
At this point, I can see that I really don't have much in common with another person by way of romance and intimate love. I can't see it happening in my life at all. Nothing clicks. 20 years of failures. Yes, much of that in the midst of self loathing and anger of being alive.
But I've made significant inroads in this in the last 6 months (I still struggle, but I'm progressing, finally).
The significant problem is this: I'm only attracted to younger guys. Younger guys are too immature to 'get me' emotionally and psychologically. I'm averse to guys my age and older (I'm an ageist, something I wish would change, but hasn't in 20 years). I simply can't be attracted to people older than myself (the very people who would have the wisdom and compassion to understand me). Therefore, the experience is always the same - the younger guys want to hop in the sack, and once the sex is out of the way, they're on to the next.
I can't sustain interest in someone younger than me in any real meaningful way. Once the sexual curiosity is played out - it's over. I have absolutely no skills in retaining someone's interest otherwise. I'm missing something.
I simply can't relate to people I"m sexually attracted to on a non sexual level. And I have a very difficult time relating to people I'm not sexually attracted to.
It's *SEVERELY* limiting my options. As a pragmatic approach, it seems pretty clear that it simply isn't in the cards for me. I keep hearing that relationships are largely accidental in nature, and when they work, it's by luck or chance that they met, or hit it off. My therapist repeats this to me frequently. I've never come close to anything remotely approaching any of this.
It's been painful, and its been long, and its been really depressing. I have to learn how to accept this.
Thanks again Geoff.
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.