Thanks guys for the thoughtful responses. They really helped me with sorting this. Having a safe place to ask the hard or unclear questions has been really helpful to me. The compassion, understanding, life experience and nonjudgmental support here has made it possible for me to start to sort out so many of my big life issues with honesty and new insight. I have needed this for 30 years. In some ways and on some days I feel like I am just starting to really know myself. And that's really good, about time.

Soccer Star - Matt I value your insights on these issues and read your posts and responses knowing I am going to learn something new or gain a fresh perspective. Thank you for sharing. I am new on this path, I struggle with just coming up with the words and phrases and questions for things that two months ago were unspeakable.

Bodyguard - Geoff. Thank you for being so direct. I can take pages to get to a point. You have this zen like precision that cuts to the core. Your strength, self awareness and depth of life experience makes me feel like I have the emotional IQ of an 8th grader. I am a little embarrassed to have confused my SSA with true orientation, feel kind of shallow. Explaining true orientation is like falling in love and SSA is like watching porn hit me upside the head. Like one of those zen stories where the master gives you a good whack on the head. Realization. Thanks.

David Mac- really helpful to hear how similar our experiences with SSA were. This is all so much more complicated than I ever understood before. Your dream reminded me how from time to time since I have started working on my recovery how I sometimes have tapped into that original feeling of simple innocent desire I knew before my CSA. Like seeing my original face. Thanks for reminding me.

Rustam- thank you for helping me clarify more of this. It's taken me a long time to ask these questions. Thanks for helping me confirm what I must have know deep down all along.

Chase Eric- thanks for the support and being a witness as I work with this. Thanks for the support you gave me the morning I posted after that cold and rainy solo swim a month ago. Made me feel like I had someone out there to tell what was going on in my life who would get it. Enjoy the surf down there. I am learning up here in the cold waters in Oregon. Good medicine.