My mind has been stuck on that question for the better half of the day. What would make him choose me? Why do I take responsibility for what he did? I feel like 2 people at all times. One part is saying "you wanted it, you got pleasure from it". The other part is saying" why would he do this to me"? I can still remember the day after it happened. I remember sitting in class feeling dirty and disgusting. I could still feel his touch on my body. I can smell his soap, Irish Spring. All I wanted was a shower. I kept rubbing my skin as if I could wipe him away. The fear that people in the class knew that I'd just had sex with a man repeating over and over in my mind. I remember the walk home from the bus stop, and how nervous I was going home knowing it would just be me and him.
What is foggy to me is, when did I take the situation into my hands and purposefully become the sacrificial lamb? I know why, but I'm a curious as to what frame of mind was I in when I stopped caring for my own well being. I know 12 year old boys are never the best decision makers, but why would I give myself away? Why would I make the decision within myself to say "Do what you want to me, as long as you leave my family alone"? Why would I become sexual therapy for a sicko? What would make him fall in love with a boy who he'd fought with on many occasions?
These questions haunt me every so often. I have vivid memories, and foggy memories from that time. What I do know is that I lost myself from the moment he chose to abuse me? I became a survivor/therapist to a pervert. All I can do is think about how every time I was alone with him, he'd bare his soul, telling me every dirty deed he had done like I was his personal diary. I should hate him, but I pity him instead. How can a victim feel sorry for his abuser? To be honest, I want to be mad at him. I want to tell him to go find ME. I want to ask him "did you know that you killed a young boy"? I wish I could find that boy, and bring him back to me.
I just had to vent my thoughts
Every hidden secret will eventually find light