One of the things that I have been grappling with lately is the seeming "untangibility" of my experience as a kid with dozens and dozens of internet predators. What strategies or options do I have to recieve legal justice from these men who used older computers, were in different jurisdictions, and probably left a covered-up digital footprint? Who do I even direct my anger to? I have identified that I have trouble expressing anger, yet will direct fear, frustration, panic, guilt etc inwards. It is so confusing to begin to unravel my emotions and try to make sense of them.
What should I be focusing on? My current therapist works with trauma victims, and what is great is that he is an openly gay man, which makes it easier for me to talk about my (gay) sexuality. We've only had a couple sessions so far, and it has been dealing with identifying with the queer community and transitioning to a new life stage, and how my experiences with sexual trauma affect then my sex-life and comfortability with a sex-identified community. How do I also bring in these feelings too of personal loss and finding stuff to re-build with?
I just graduated with my Bachelor's two weeks ago, and I am working on applications for internships and grad schools abroad. But part of me feelings like I am a fake person- why am I giving this fake person a future? What's motivating me? Why do I sometimes feel scared of doing something that's for the future, while also lamenting my everyday life of my past routines?
I feel like I am mourning something big... be it something the younger me lost as a kid through my abuse or is it the me of the last few years?
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."