It sucks. We survivors have to carry a heavy burden. Heavier than most other people can fathom.
I know every feeling and thought you described in your post. Intimately familiar with the embarrassment and shame. And the anger.
What we are supposed to do is heal. That is our life task. Others get to experience great success and horrendous downfalls. Some don't get to experience much at all (they die early). Our early experiences have altered our life course, and our biggest task is to heal from childhood trauma.
I'm surprised to hear myself say this right now - because I've frequently asked exactly the same questions you ask, and still frequently feel terrible anguish of what I so unfairly lost and never will have. I'm learning to accept that this is what I've been dealt, and it is my responsibility to overcome. I've been given a chance to do so - I survived. Many people don't make it.
I am your brother here. I understand you and I get you. I've carried the same pain. You can see much of it written here. I want to let you know that we get you. We know you. We accept you. You are a hero for being here. You are a hero for reaching out. You are a hero for writing what you wrote, and sharing what you're sharing.
It made me feel better about my difficulties to read what you wrote about yours. We share similar feelings and outcomes and regrets. I'm glad that you wrote this, because I've been given an insight into myself I otherwise wouldn't have. And because of that, you're valuable to me.
I imagine you're valuable to many people here. Not many have found their courage to start speaking up yet.
Thanks for being here, bey. I'm sorry that you have to be here, but I'm glad you're here.
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.