it is a powerful story man and all that you are feeling are very typical feelings for those of us abused as kids. you have come to a very safe place to talk about those things, to find resources, to just chill with people who understand. I hope you will find a great experience of healing here. feel free to message me if I can help at all.
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"