I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I am also a mother/son incest survivor, and was also subjected to a lot of very violent physical and emotional abuse / torture until I was 16. My father was also sexually and physically abusing me.
I can so relate to the feelings of being in love with my abuser. When I was 15 and 16 my mother was telling me how we should run away together and live as husband and wife to get away from my dad. She also told me that my dad tried to kill me because of "performance" reasons. It was all she would talk about and I was totally on board. She died suddenly and my life was totally derailed. I could never have normal relationships with women, though I did try. I would seek out abusive or mentally unstable women, and would compare them all to my mother, who I was, for lack of a better term, still very much in love with. I still work in therapy to differentiate the feelings I have towards her from actual, healthy love. It's crazy, because I know how messed up it is, but I was raised from birth to believe that incest was normal, and it was preferable to the physical abuse, starvation and whatnot that also went on in my house.
I am now married, but chose a male partner. Female relationships, for me, would not work. Too much baggage. I have a very happy and fulfilling relationship with my partner, who treats me better than anyone ever has.
Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone, and even though our stories may be different, there are lots of people who can relate to what you are going through.
Hang in there, brother. You deserve to be happy.
Strobe lights and blown speakers
Fireworks and hurricanes
I'm not here