*TRIGGERS*

I found myself very angry today so I simply sat down and let it rip. This is a very different poem to my first one; that one took three days to write, this one about 15 minutes. Some foul language, some triggers. Please don't read if you're easily offended/triggered. Apologies in advance. (P.S. Been coming back and adding a few lines here and there as my mood fancied - it's easily doubled in length by now since I wrote the original one.)

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Hey dad! Hey mom! I hate you both, you suck.
Stop texting and sending me e-mails, I just don’t give a fuck.

Dad, you think you know so much about my life?
How about the fact that your son slept with your wife?
You couldn’t have not figured it out – all those nights with empty beds?
Either you’re thick or you were on the strongest of meds…
I waste your money…yep, I sure do, yes sir,
I gamble it away, then with whatever’s left I feed some cat and I watch it purr.
But it’s ok, let’s just move on – I mean we both know it won’t happen again…right?
There’s no way there’s something deeper…yeah just ignore the truth with all your might.
Oh and where the hell were you when I needed you?
All I need now is your money, I don’t need a bloody guru.
Sometimes I wonder if you actually have some balls,
I’d be glad to help you find them, maybe you left them somewhere in the stalls?
Like honestly, do you really have to be your wife’s slave…?
Was your son’s innocence too miniscule a thing to save?
Can't you just man up and fulfill your duties as a spouse?
I shouldn't be your wife's emotional crutch, let alone man of the house.
Reality check! Actually yeah a husband does sometimes sleep with his wife,
Did you really think incest was normal all your life?
Because that’s what you told me – that’s the way moms love their sons…
Wish it didn’t take over twenty years to realize you both were morons.
Blah blah blah, blah blah blah, I should do this and that,
Hey remember my childhood on which you simply spat?
All you do now is lecture me – oh yes please give me more ‘advice’…
They go out the other ear anyway while I reflect on your destructive vice…
But I nod and agree, you must think you're so damn clever -
I've lied to you so much that remembering they're lies has become an endeavor...
It's so retarded how you believe all of my lies,
But swat all my utterances of truth like flies;
You think I was simply born this fucked up?
You think it's just a question of manning up?
If you were here now I'D FUCKING PUNCH YOUR FACE IN,
And then shove your old pathetic ass down the damn bin.
Frankly I'm much better off just fending for myself,
I get a lot more insight from all those psychology books on my shelf.
At times you fill me with so much crap I forget what I want,
Just leave me alone, I'm not a carbon copy for you to flaunt!
How dare you even talk to me like I’m the only one with problems!!!
I’m so pissed off at you I can’t even rhyme this stupid line.

And mom, do you always have to sign emails off with “I LOVE YOU!!!”?
How about I bitchslap you with the sole of my shoe?
But of course I wouldn’t do that, I’m actually just too damn nice,
Doesn’t really matter my feelings are something you play with like dice.
...what happened to that mother who read me stories when I was young?
Was it all a lie, an act? A distant illusion to which I clung?
A few years back – did you really have to block the door with your body that night,
When all I wanted to do was go back to my friends and take flight?
Do you really think you're justified in slapping a son who's in his twenties?
Do you care about his dignity? Is it not even worth a few pennies?
Did you really think groping me at 5 was a good lesson for me,
Or that being naked throughout my teens after you showered was a good thing for me to see?
Did you really have to sabotage my potential career twice?
What the hell’s the point if I’m damned sure you’ll do it thrice?
Did you really have to bruise me at 12 with a billiard stick?
How can you do that to a little boy, don't you think it's fucking sick?
Did you really have to joke about castrating men all the time,
Or talk about a man's privates as if they were only worth a dime?
Do you always have to press your vagina against my thighs when we hug?
Am I a toy or an object? Some sick substitute for a drug?
Did it ever occur to you that you should've brought me up as a boy?
Was my fragile but developing masculinity merely something to destroy?
And…and…did you really, really, really have to sleep with me all those years…?!
Can’t you see me destroying myself, even now, in my twenties, in front of all my peers?!?!
Is it fun to keep invalidating me when I actually talk to you?
Do you find it amusing to minimize all that rings true?
Do you actually think spoiling me will make things better?
Does the idea of having me forever dependent make you wetter?
Do you grin at the fact that you nearly destroyed my sexuality,
And practically drove my life into the confines of a virtual reality?
You know what, come to think of it, wtf are you doing even talking to me?
You’re a parasite, you're a leach, you stick to me like a shitty flea!
I abhor you, I despise you...LET ME HATE YOU!!! Damn it PLEASE!!!
Just face my burning rage and put me at ease!!!
Is it too much to ask you to simply say, “I’m sorry?”
“I’ll try my best and become an actual mother, not to worry!”
But I guess I’m such a nice trophy to put up on your wall…
I find that huge-ass framed photo of us ridiculous because I don’t know that guy at all.
I’ve changed you know…those appearances, I can’t keep them up anymore…
My true self, my identity, brutally ravaged and oozing of gore…
When I hear you say seemingly nice and encouraging things,
It's like listening to a siren who lures as she sings...
When I hear you talking about my skin, my looks, my face,
You make it sound like I'm a superstar but I feel like a disgrace...
Whenever I'm around you in public or even at home,
I feel disgusting and dirty, like my mouth's dripping of foam...
When I remember you kissing me, caressing me, stroking my hair, rubbing your legs on mine…
I just want to puke…and keep on puking…and no matter how much I puke I won’t be fine.
I just want to pull out all my hair and set them on fire,
And sell my body to some random buyer…
I want to destroy myself completely, and seize to exist,
So many times have I thought of slitting my wrist!
And like my dying would change a thing!!!
What would you say at my funeral? That I smelt as nice as spring?
How the hell did I not know everything was so wrong?
How was I BLIND to it all for so long...
Sad thing is, I’m pretty sure you’re a little insane…
I know I’m not really human to you – sweet and replaceable like a little candy cane…
Sometimes I wish the sexual abuse had been much worse...
That way I can justify being so fucked up by your wretched little curse...
I often have dreams where I end up killing you,
Then I wake up with tears in my eyes, crying, “What did I just do…”
Find it weird you still sleep with a stuffed animal in your 50s…
And now I’m thinking, “Wtf is wrong with me, I bought one in my 20s…”
Makes me chuckle when I think about getting a wife…
You can forget naming my kids already because you’re probably not going to be in my life…

You know I was wondering why I’m writing such nasty things about you…
Then I realized well DUH, it’s because I’m angry at you!
How nice, for once!!! To feel what I actually feel!
Since you’ve been smothering my hatred so much it’s like it’s been molded into steel!
But now it knows life...like molten lava, burning and raging…
What if I sent this poem to you, would you find it the least bit engaging?
Would you use it to blow your nose after sneezing?
Oh, would it be too hopeful to think you’d end up freezing?

Funny thing is, after all this, I’ll probably reply to your e-mail…
Saying, “Yes, I see rainbows everywhere, and that I’m letting my inner spirits sail!”

But really I’m looking forward to that day,
When I cut you from my life and hear nothing you have to say.
_________________________
The ratio of good to bad people in this world will always be tipped in favor of the latter. Always. But that ratio in your own social circle, you can control. And there, and only there, can the balance be favorably tipped, so that those who love you far outnumber those who don't.