Hi, David Mac.

Although I was never used in child pornography, in my teens I was an actor and was interviewed for a porn magazine. This was an example of identification with the exploiter. The interviewer was my sister's boyfriend. He had been a somewhat positive influence on the family up until that point, but used my fame for his own purposes.

Your post is clear on how it feels to live the reality you described. Is there perhaps a bigger reality to consider, however? For me it has been important to consider my underlying confusion of what it means to be needed vs. what it means to be wanted.

A lot people appear to make clear choices in this regard. For instance, when someone is "wanted" in a relationship, they appear to be happy. When someone is "needed" in a relationship however, you don't see it as much. Being "wanted" seems closer to your experience. The predator "wants" the prey but can also easily discard it. Therefore the experience of being "needed" in a positive way is absent.

Where a lot of people get my story wrong is that they project onto me that I enjoyed being "wanted". That's why I was an actor, that's why I did the interview, etc. This is inaccurate, because when you are young, you can't completely distinguish between these two impulses. The predator takes advantage of you by creating the illusion of relationship of mutual need, when it is in reality just exploitation. What this has left me with is a constant intense need for intimacy that has no ability to distinguish between what's "wanted" and "needed" in a healthy way.

I know this sounds a bit involved, but I find that thinking it through helps me know what actually happened.

Hope this might help. Look forward to reading more of your posts.

Focused
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Lose the drama; life is a poem.