My EMDR experience was really helpful for me, but it was a process that took several years to get through. The last time I was molested I was around ten, and I didn't get therapy until I was 21. You figure that's 11 years of internalized actions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, etc. that had all been bottled up tight, and it was tough to get through. I had some good weeks and some awful weeks where I got out of a session and felt worse then when I had gone in. My therapist put it to me that "progress is not a line, but more like a roller coaster ride. It's full of twists, turns, and isn't predictable".

My standpoint was that it wasn't the molestation itself that was necessarily so traumatic for me. My cousin who initiated all of it was only a few years older then me, and while he was coercive and would pester me when I didn't act out with him, he was never violent or expressly forceful with me. At a certain point, I would even voluntarily hang out with him even though I knew something weird was going to happen. For example, we used to do the whole "show me yours and I'll show you mine" thing all the time. I don't think that's all that out of the ordinary for two boys under the age of ten (when this all started I was 6, so he would have been about 9). In contrast, when he first started requesting oral and anal sex from me and masturbating while having me watch, that I thought was a bit weird and didn't really want a part of.

The moment that I put two and two together and realized that I had, by definition, been engaging in "gay" experiences with him though, I flipped a shit. Even as a little kid, I thought of myself as a manly man (My nickname as a little kid was "The Hammer", I loved karate, and I LOVED to fight and rough house)and was very upset that I had been involved in what I had been involved in. Then I thought I could have contracted AIDS and that I was going to die, and so I told my parents. That was pretty traumatic for me.

Prior to that, I had seen my cousin as a very close friend and the closest thing I had to a brother. After that, we got really really distant, and that hurt a lot too, especially since I had changed schools a few years earlier and didn't have many friends of my own.

That was just my case, but even from out of that, the masturbation fantasies I used to have, my overall sexual behaviors, and a lot of the porn I watched never really sat well with me. I reasoned a lot during my adolescence that a lot of thing that I did sexually were probably linked to those experiences. For example, when I first started masturbating, I used to try and emulate what I had seen when my cousin made me watch him as closely as I could. I would go so far as to arrange the furniture exactly the way it had been when he had done it, and I would try to stand in the same exact spot in the room and do the same exact things he had done. Even with that, I never talked about it. I figured it probably had happened to lots of other people, and I figured eventually it'd just go away on its own. I first went to see a therapist when I was 15/16 because I had been having fits of explosive anger at home (parents had divorced, lived with my mother and sister) whenever I got into fights with my mom or sister. I almost ripped a dishwasher out of a wall once and nearly choked my sister on another account (she responded to our parents divorce by being spiteful towards me for no reason. I would do whatever I could to avoid her, but she would often openly confront me, and I'd usually end up doing the best I could not to beat the shit out of her).

I distinctly remember when I went to see the therapist, I was thinking to myself "I can't let him find out anything about what happened between me and my cousin". The Parents divorcing and my Mom and Sister constantly harassing me was a good cover as it was, so I never did go any further. I wish I had been smarter and started therapy then. Probably would have made the rest of high school and college a lot more enjoyable for me. Instead I spent most of those years undergoing major depressive episodes and panic attacks.


In any case, that kind of got away from me there, but like I said, I found EMDR to be helpful not only in relieving a lot of the issues I had from my initial experiences with my cousin, but also all the acting out that I did resulting from those experiences. It was tough though. I cried several times during those couple years, I think more than I had since I was ten and the family dog died (don't think I ever cried in between), but I was at the point where I honestly believed that if I didn't do something to get help, I would either end up in a psychiatric hospital or I would end up killing myself, so I got help. Although it's helped me to function and live my life somewhat normally now, there isn't a day in my life where I don't wish I could go back and stop those things from happening. Then again, I have grown to appreciate the struggles in life for the opportunities they give to grow as a person. Still, "nobody said it was easy, nobody said it would be so hard".