I am 27 years old now. I have a history of sex abuse and lots of other stuff. I will try to explain my story. Just ignore any misspellings etc, I'm not going to correct anything.
My dad died when I was two years old of cancer, my mom was beyond great but still had her own issues. I have an older sister but she doesn't really care anymore and has her own life. I must have been about 4 or so when the abuse started. I had a friend who was about two years older than me. I was short and very skinny most of my life. He would always want to do sexual stuff with me like fondle my penis or kiss it and make me return the favor. I remember hating it but he said he would beat me up if i didn't do it. This went on for a few years. I also had a female pediatrician. She liked to put her hands in my pants. Not just a normal check up but would like to feel around for a while and multiple times. This went on until I was about 9 or so. Because i was real alone and had no friends i had tried to commit suicide. i slashed my wrist pretty bad. I was taken to a psych hospital where a nurse told me i should have done a better job. At first i liked the hospital. it was good to be around people and i made some friends. It got worse and i was sent back twice. After I was sent to a long term hospital for about 8 months. I was about 9 or 10. This hospital was like a jail for troubled kids and teens. We had a bathroom that was shared by the unit like a public restroom. One time when I was coming out these older teens cornered me in the bathroom and made me give them oral sex. When I told someone about it they told me just stay away from them. I was put on a ton of medications and just suffered terrible side effects. One medication almost killed me and gave me a huge rash over my entire body. Everyone else just thought it was funny. Now that I think of it, the hospital just prepared me for sexual abuse. After i got out i was back to being alone, i didn't care i was out of that hospital and what a terrible place it was getting threatened fondled beat and whatever else. Now i was about 11 and still very alone. I started smoking cigarettes and i wanted to try drugs. I would get my cigarettes by hanging around stores and giving people money to buy them for me. This one guy was really cool. He would always talk to me and buy me whatever i wanted. We then started to hang out lots of times. One day he asked me if i ever smoked pot. I said no but i want to. He invited me over his house and i remember we smoked a joint in the garage. He was very nice and i liked having someone older who liked me. I was about 11 and he must have been 40's. Then it got strange, one day we were talking in his garage and he put his hand on the outside of my penis out of no where. I said what are you doing, he just sat there silent. I remember saying how i was going to tell the cops. But I didn't. I didn't want my so called friend to get in trouble so i ignored it. I saw him the next day and he acted like nothing happened. He bought me ice cream and gave me some money. We talked some more. I don't know how it started but it lead to him performing oral sex on me and fondling me. i remember he told me something was wrong with me cause i never got an erection. he said i was real lucky that someone would do that to them, give them oral sex. This continued for months or so. He would also smoke crack and try to get me to do it, i just stayed with pot and cigarettes, he would also give me beers. This abuse ended one day when i came by and he told me to leave him alone and that i stole from him, i was real hurt to lose my friend. A few weeks later I saw him at a red light, I went to go say hello and he sped off in a car. This leads to another guy who abused me. He would also buy me cigarettes and gifts. One day he asked me if i ever watched porn, I wanted to look cool so i said yes. I was about 11 or 12. This ended with him inviting me to his apartment. He had a huge collection of gay porn. He would lock the door and tell me to pull my pants down, this led to my clothes coming off. he would lay me on the couch and get on top of me and kiss fondle perform oral on me and oral on him all the time. I knew it was very wrong but again i thought it was a friend. while the abuse was going on there were these group of teenagers, probably 16-18 or so that would ask me for cigarettes. I remember one of them was really cool, he would tell me I was his main man and if I ever had any trouble with someone to let him know. He always said he would protect me. I don't know how it happened but I told one of the teens how i was being abused. He called me a faggot. Later, the group found out and beat me up, threatened and would steal money or whatever i had on me. I also loved fishing. It was one way to escape for me. I met a few people from the area who fished. They were very nice to me and would teach me things about fishing etc. This one guy would give me cigarettes and beer. Some how one day it turned into him on top of me kissing and rubbing his genitals on my groin. I think his tongue went in my mouth a few times. finally he got off me. He said i couldn't go to the cops and it wasn't abuse because i touched him. I liked to sit on these benches near the beach. One time this guy sat next to me and we started talking, i forget about what but i also thought he was a friend. Some how it ended with me and him behind some building and he had my pants down and he would fondle and perform oral saying how it would make me hard. i remember he kept stopping to ask if i liked it and did it feel good. i just said i guess. Then i ejaculated in his mouth. i was thinking why does this feel good. lots of people have done this and i never responded sexually. the sex abuse ended when I was about 13. By then my sister or one of her friends saw me with these guys and my mom found out. I got in trouble for talking to strangers but i didn't think it was abuse. Anyway that is when it all went down hill. I hated everyone and had terrible anger issues. I also hated living and just wanted to die. I knew i wasn't going back to the hospital so i tried to hang myself several times in private. Never succeeded, i would also try to slash veins with a razor but it hurt too much. I gotta stop now but it gets worse and better.
Although I do wrong, I do not the wrongs that I am charged with doing; the wrong that I do is through the frailty of human nature, like other men. No man lives without fault.
Joseph Smith, Jr.