Want to share my story, since it's been troubling for me ever since i found out about the abuse.
I've been on a spiritual journey for 10 years now and i've read a lot of books on various subjects. The teachings which really resonated with me are Buddhism and Non-duality.
Both talk about the non-existence of the ego-self. Untill i figured out i was suffering from the abuse, i had no real inner conflicts with all the different views on life. However, ever since i found out, it's kinda haunting me. Cause my intellectual mind is reasoning that if i don't exist as a separate being, i shouldnt feel any pain or suffer. But the truth is, i do suffer whether my mind thinks i exist or not.
So i'm pretty much stuck here, in a deadlock. It feels like a vicious cycle which i cant get out of. I wasnt raised with any religion, so i was free to wander and try out various types. But they all seem to come back to me at once. Thats how my mind analyzes everything. This really is giving me a hard time relaxing and just being, since it makes me feel there is no real reason to it all.
I know that i haven't found the truth, or at least not the part which would enlighten my suffering and make me understand why i had to suffer from the abuse and its after effects.
I just want to share a few things with you guys which helped me to at least look objectively at this issue. Cause i feel it is worthwile going through the spiritual awakening process. But it is probably wise to slow down, at least thats what i'm figuring out now.
Eric Kolvig is a buddhist teacher who has suffered from abuse and all kinds of mental illnesses. When i heard him speak, i found his message truely resonating with me. You can see a powerful 1 hour talk here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edpHg4CZXMI
Next is AH Almaas, of whom i've read quite a few books now. The thing which got my attention is the following quote:
Sexual Abuse Can be First Exposed by Deep Inner Work
In some instances, a sexual abuse survivor manages to stay in touch with a certain depth of the self, which may include some contact with essence. However, this can happen only at the expense of a deep splitting in the structure of the self, in which the individual has a depth of experience, but must employ, unconsciously, some radical means in order to remain unaware of the content of the early abuse. This defense is easily threatened by a variety of life situations or by the work on oneself, which leaves the survivor vulnerable to unexpected states of the dissociation and disorientation. Early abuse, sexual or physical, needs to be addressed adequately if an individual is serious about pursuing the process of self-realization. It is best to do some work with the abuse itself, at least to some degree, before commencing on the deep process of spiritual realization, but it can be done concurrently. Frequently an individual will not discover the abuse until going very deep in the work on self-realization, causing a great deal of suffering and confusion.
This resonates with me. I don't feel totally disconnected from myself, but i always have this feeling of being incomplete.
As for my guru/teacher, i'd pick Ramana Maharshi. His teaching is profound and yet simple: find out 'Who am I'. Who is the I, which we think we are? And this is where it gets tricky for me. I have no guidelines to discriminate false self from the real self and dealing with all the pain from the past makes it difficult to see clearly.
It seems that i need to learn to be patient. But somewhere inside is a feeling i have to hurry, cause otherwise i'll be too late. It makes me feel anxious and out of control. Sometimes i'd which i could be a true believer in God without a doubt in my mind. But my rationality demands something more tangible than that.
To me it's all about getting back to the heart. Cause i feel so much love inside, but i have no way of expressing it honestly. Its been blocked by the pain and i'm still struggling accepting the pain. But i know that when we get to the healing phase, through the abuse we can share so much with the world!
Cause we know what suffering is, each in his/her own personal way. Its a shame we often have to hide this side of us, because of ignorance, disbelief and discomfort.
I'm confused in my search and the idea that this confusion is actually good.. well i dont know. I somehow have to grab a hold of my positive side again and become myself again. It's just so damn frustrating there's hardly anybody i can discuss this with.. perhaps one day i'll find someone
If you're on a spiritual path, please let me know! We can learn from eachother!
To close up, here's a poem i wrote
How can I know love if I donít accept myself
Acceptance is the key to understanding
Accepting I need to let go of the old
Accepting there is no need to cling to the future
I accept that I love myself!
I accept that I AM myself
I accept that myself is but a reflection of who I really am
For I AM is a point in Life
And the point points out to the SELF
That which is
I Am That