I can definitely empathize with your feelings on this. It's a difficult exercise when we examine the route our lives has taken us. At the instant we make decisions, we are not always aware of our reasons for doing so, and each moment in time doesn't offer us to opportunity to analyze how that split seconds connects the past to the future. It is only through time, learning, experience, pain, and wisdom that we are able to look back at our lives and see what was not visible to us at the moment we made our decisions. Decisions that at the time seemed right, can appear foolish when viewed years later. We are not able to predict at the time whether any action will lead to misery or happiness. That is only revealed to us years later when the course of our life is viewed as a whole, and not as a series of separate actions.
None of us would have chosen the life we've led if we had been given the choice. However, we've become the leaders and the experts in a way that can't be taught. Our expertise can only be achieved by living it, as hellish as it is. We are the ones who can effect change for future generations. As painful as it is to analyze our own lives and the consequences for our actions, we know that we are the ones who can keep the next generation from being affected by the evil which has changed us forever. When we speak of the wrongs perpetrated upon us, we take away its power. We are the ones who can raise awareness of the number of boys and girls who are forever damaged by SA. We can offer a perspective, and more important, concrete steps to anyone who wants to develop programs and policies which will protect kids. When we use what we've experienced to protect others and protect kids, then good has come from what we've been through. Then we can show our decisions have not been in vain and our lives have not been wasted or ruined. We will be changed and transformed and that will be our reward.