Being sexually assaulted as a little boy left a false and distorted imprint on the way I perceive God, myself and all others in relation to sex and sexuality. I decided to list a few of the major ones:

1. I can control sex. This includes fantasy, masterbation, porn and cruising. As a child I was forced, but now I am in control.

2. Sex is an indicator of being loved. Personally, I like to call this the "Judas Kiss" as my father was my primary perpetrator.

3. Intensity means intimacy.

4. My sexual behaviors do not affect anyone but myself. I found myself as a child forced to compartmentalize sex and sexuality giving the impression that who I am during a sexual act is not who I am after the sexual act.

5. I was "different" than other people in that consequences of my sexual behavior was not my fault. I saw myself like a domino lined up on end. I was knocked down and I knock down the domino in front of me.

6. God is up there somewhere taking care of His spiritual business while I wander through life like an orphan, having to swallow all the trials and difficulties that life hands me by myself.

These are just a few of the distorted philosophies which have dominated my life. I hope someday as I heal and mature from csa to be able to leave them behind.

Mac