odd. you are right about that.
i never judge other survivors as i do myself.
good insight.

this "shame dynamic" you talk about, compelled me to seek danger and prove my "manhood" needlessly over and over again with unecessary risks for years. i dared god to kill me.
i stood on the roof of a building in a storm holding an aluminum pole screaming "go ahead. take me now" just to freak out my cowering coworkers.
mountain climbing wasn't enough, i had to climb volcanoes.
i lived through a landslide with rocks the size of small cars.
i spend months in the golden triangle.
i had guns pointed at me. i had enemies.
i went way out of my way to prove to myself and anyone who paid attention... i was psycho. i carried a knife. i cut myself.
whenever i cheated death, i would laugh hysterically.
people avoided me. except other psychos.

i was lucky for a long time. all i proved was my stupidity.
everything i did showed clearly how scared i was inside.

as i have mentioned elsewhere in this forum... my children saved me from being compulsive. they entered my train of thought. i had to live to protect them.
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Victor|Victim

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