While I can be rather vocal about not being in competition for worst or most extreme experiences with this CSA stuff, if others wish to compete for that "award" I figure I'll let them, I also have to watch my tendency to minimize my experiences both with CSA and CSA recovery.

This hit me this weekend when I thought back to some embarrassing times during my second strong go-around on dealing with my abuse history recovery and how low I got during that. That brought me up short in remembering how much job and other difficulties I had due to my mental health state at the time and how weird it felt to be relating some of that to stuff way back from the 70's and subsequent mishandling of my emotions with addictive coping mechanisms thereafter. It also felt weird in that it was the second go-around and not the first where I had these most visible difficulties socially (although perhaps the first recovery go-around was harder internally).

On the plus side, things are so much better now in comparison to that hard time 15 - 10 years ago that that in and of itself is remarkable. Still, it's not like quite a bit of my resources and energies weren't used up by all this several times over.

I feel like I again want to minimize what has transpired and just move on to better things. But, I wouldn't have some of the feelings I'm having around the topic, if there weren't some unfinished business. And I find myself internally short with others' struggles because I don't like acknowledging the depths of my own, I suppose, which to me sounds like a cliche I should be well beyond by now.

Part of what I'm struggling with is I can't quite imagine what there is to gain by my further exploration of my personal history of this. I suppose there could be more insights, but not sure what that would further resolve from here. There have been some ongoing concerns regarding where I go with fantasies, for example, but I'm not convinced that impacts my life day to day that much, though it would be better to resolve those fantasies away from the "humiliation" kind. Other than that, not sure what potential gains to expect beyond those already achieved through prior go-arounds and the healing from the passage of time itself. But, feeling that way just leaves me in a sad, unmotivated state with this.

Could use some sort of goal I could wrap my head around.



Edited by kcinohio (05/19/13 11:02 PM)