.......I developed two lives and one where I was the good kid (with an edge) who got good grades and such and the other guy who acted out sexually in private in ways that kept the shame up, the secrets up .......I am sick of trying to hide what I did prior to and after my abuse. I am sick of trying to deny my sexuality........I am sick of trying to clean up my act, so to speak, to appear a certain way to feel better about myself.
That was a heartfelt post that was totally honest. Thats what we're all here for, a place where we can be honest about what happened, and how we feel about it, without being judged.
We've talked before, so you know that I led that double life too, acting out with men, trying to re-enact my CSA experience, to feel that false sense of connection. Personally I don't feel the need to tell all about my past. I no longer am that person. I am now sexually sober (total celebacy) for over a year, and don't intend to have sex again until/unless I can do so in a healthy way. That means staying in the present, caring for my partners needs, and having an emotional connection with her.
If I never have sex again, I can live with that. I've had lots of it over my lifetime, but little or no emotional intimacy. Thats what I'm looking for now. The mystery of sex and love may be the hardest thing for a man to deal with in life. My wish is that you find your own way with this. Good luck,
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "Joni Mitchell